Congratulations on Evacuating the City!

By now you, like almost everyone else in America (exception: Apalachia) know about the impending viral apocalypse that is taking hold in cities all across the nation. Turns out that playing god in underground labs is a bad idea, and now most major population centers are basic death mills, where highly infectious diseases spread like wildfire through the population, transforming them into mindless fiends bent only on infecting everyone around them.

The government has been slow in responding, surprising no one, so citizens have been forced to find heroes among their number, heroes who lead mass exoduses out of cities into the shreds of wilderness that still pepper America in tiny, resilient pockets. You’ve become, or rather been forced to become, just one such person. So today you’ll gather up your friends and extended family, along with some blunt objects, an extra pair of shoes and a liberal supply of hobo bindles, and set out on the road leading out of Atlanta.

Many of the people in your group will have dreamed of leaving Atlanta, but they’ll have never had a good reason to do so. Many others will be nigh illiterate, racist or pretentious douchebags who, frankly, the rest of the world had no desire to see and less desire to speak to or assist in relocating.

When you clear the city limits, everyone will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

“Think of all we left behind,” an old woman will mutter. “So much history, and so much racism.”

“SILENCE!” you’ll shout at her before beating her to death with a hammer. Then you’ll have the womenfolk cut up her corpse and cook it for the celebratory feast. The next few months will be patterned around you executing someone and then having them cooked by your cult-like group of Atlanta followers. The irony is that they’ll do better than anyone who stayed in Atlanta is (this is not ironic to anyone who thinks about it for more than a few seconds). Well, for the most part.

Like all visionaries, time will require that you step aside. In this case, “step aside” means “are murdered in your sleep by one of the women you’ll have taken as your common-law wife.” But when your corpse is on the ground, throat gaping and void after the knife’s work is done, everyone will agree that you did a pretty great thing leading them out of Atlanta. Less so about the cannibalism, but the Atlanta thing was a good move.

Congratulations on Evacuating the City!