Congratulations on Doing What She Asked You to Do!

When your wife left you, you didn’t want to take her seriously. You really didn’t want to honor her last request, but…it felt like a way to hold on to her in a sense, a way to keep a part of her around. If you could this last thing, the thing she asked you to do, you’d do right by her and maybe she’d come back.

So today, three days after she delivered a rhetorical statement that you’re now choosing to interpret as an ultimatum, you’re going to go to the park, capture a duck (it’ll be male, but you won’t know this until months from now, when the court charges are filed) and you’re going to put it in a modified booster seat that you altered expressly for this purpose.

Then you’re going to (using a picture of your wife for consistency’s sake) get your penis good and hard and ram it into what you think is that duck’s vagina. It’ll actually be a cloaca. The duck will protest, but you’ll have a lot of lube on hand and once you get started you will not be taking no for an answer. So with your relatively modest penis in its singular hole and love for your wife in your heart you’ll thrust once, twice, three times before you are tackled to the ground by an off-duty police officer who will then sit on your chest while he waits for the police to arrive.

When they do arrive (and they will) they’ll ask what the fuck you were thinking and, when you tell them, they’ll begin filling out paperwork to prosecute you for one of the weirdest crimes ever committed (to be optioned to made into a movie by Fox Searchlight Pictures in spring 2014).

Congratulations on Doing What She Asked You to Do!