Congratulations on Accidentally Outing Your Cousin!

People get drunk at weddings. Then they do embarrassing shit. It’s a reality of life. Some people do it a little better than others, though.

Today you’re going to kill it.

Because today you’re going to walk up to the cousin who came out to you gingerly and nervously at a family barbecue last year, you’re going to grab her by her cute little ponytail and you’re going to just ram your tongue down her throat. She’ll squirm at first, but she’ll have had a few as well, so within a few minutes she’ll give in and grab your close cropped hair, rubbing it like it’s a good luck charm or the Buddha’s belly as she caves to you, melts into you in a moment that will be perfect, the knife edge of aggression, of passion, of shame.

It’ll be great, right up until your mom stands up and says “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Then everyone, and I do mean everyone, at the wedding, including the boy who was attending with your closeted cousin, will turn and gasp at what has transpired. You’ll ignore all of the, wiping your mouth dramatically before walking back to the open bar, leaving your cousin there, visibly frustrated, visibly aroused, staring at you, ashamed and suddenly humiliated.

You’d feel awful if you gave yourself time to, but you won’t. You’ll just keep throwing back shots and wondering what it would be like to fuck your cousin, if it would count as incest between two girls. You’ll decide it wouldn’t, but you won’t be able to articulate why.

The next day you’ll feel awful, truly, fully awful, physically and emotionally, so you’ll get up extra early, make some black coffee, and think real hard about how to make it all up to her.

You’ll figure it out in twenty minutes, and, like everything else you do, it’ll be super inappropriate in an awesome way.

Congratulations on Accidentally Outing Your Cousin!