Congratulations on Accidentally Outing Your Cousin!

People get drunk at weddings. Then they do embarrassing shit. It’s a reality of life. Some people do it a little better than others, though.

Today you’re going to kill it.

Because today you’re going to walk up to the cousin who came out to you gingerly and nervously at a family barbecue last year, you’re going to grab her by her cute little ponytail and you’re going to just ram your tongue down her throat. She’ll squirm at first, but she’ll have had a few as well, so within a few minutes she’ll give in and grab your close cropped hair, rubbing it like it’s a good luck charm or the Buddha’s belly as she caves to you, melts into you in a moment that will be perfect, the knife edge of aggression, of passion, of shame.

It’ll be great, right up until your mom stands up and says “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Then everyone, and I do mean everyone, at the wedding, including the boy who was attending with your closeted cousin, will turn and gasp at what has transpired. You’ll ignore all of the, wiping your mouth dramatically before walking back to the open bar, leaving your cousin there, visibly frustrated, visibly aroused, staring at you, ashamed and suddenly humiliated.

You’d feel awful if you gave yourself time to, but you won’t. You’ll just keep throwing back shots and wondering what it would be like to fuck your cousin, if it would count as incest between two girls. You’ll decide it wouldn’t, but you won’t be able to articulate why.

The next day you’ll feel awful, truly, fully awful, physically and emotionally, so you’ll get up extra early, make some black coffee, and think real hard about how to make it all up to her.

You’ll figure it out in twenty minutes, and, like everything else you do, it’ll be super inappropriate in an awesome way.

Congratulations on Accidentally Outing Your Cousin!

Congratulations on Making the Most Awkward Toast at the Wedding!

“…and may the Holocaust never come to your wedding. Or the planet again. Or any other planet. Mentioned in this toast. Or in any other toast.”

You’ll wipe the sweat from your brow and smile awkwardly at the bride and groom, raising your glass before ramming it into your own mouth and chipping one of your teeth.

“Fugh,” you’ll mumble as you try to reach into the gum between your lips and teeth and grab a hold of the shard of glass. Your fingers will slip as you try to pull it out while blood pours from your mouth on to the ground as the rest of the wedding party stands in silence and just watches as you struggle on your knees.

“Doth abyove hab pliers?” you’ll shout, at which the crowd will shake their collective heads and look collectively down at the ground, giving you a moment’s relief from your shame.

Congratulations on Making the Most Awkward Toast at the Wedding!