Congratulations Last Pelican!

Today you’re the last pelican on the planet. Well, sort of.

See, pelicans aren’t even endangered any more, if Wikipedia is to be believed. On earth. But you’re trapped in an alien zoo.

Oh snap!

What does this mean? It means that today your mate is going to die of something called “zarkon poisoning,” which involves her being poisoned when a tiny bit of alien atmosphere makes its way into your enclosure after it briefly de-materializes and permits some vile, vile gas into your home.

It also means that, in like a day and a half, you’ll be surrounded by tiny genetic clones of your mate, which will be incredibly freaky and emotionally distressing. The distress will be exacerbated by the fact that you, as a pelican, cannot express any of your feelings verbally and will instead simply have to display your emotional state by hopping around and scattering your pelican toys in a blind rage.

But before this period of vile chaos you’ll have a day and a half of peaceful mourning, starting this morning. We hope you make the most of it, because the next few days are going to be really, really rough.

You have our condolences. Try to make the most of your time in this alien zoo, which will last about three more months before they put your brain into a computer in what we understand will be the first time a bird will have had its intelligence implanted into a computer.

Congratulations Last Pelican!