Congratulations Batman Memorabilia Collector!

You have the somewhat dubious honor of being the greatest Batman comic and memorabilia collector in the United States, which is a lot less glamorous than it sounds. And your ceaseless pursuit of Batman shit has prevented you from ever knowing true love, which kinda sucks. So while you have a room sized humidor filled with priceless merchandise, your life feels empty in a way you can’t quite articulate (because almost all of your practice articulating things has been dedicated to articulating things about Batman).

But lucky you, there’s a super-secret conference of eccentric millionaires with collections of useless shit, and a week ago, you were invited to it. You decided you’d go for it and used some of your trust fund to purchase a plane ticket and accommodation in a modest hotel and today you’re going to arrive just in time for the festivities.

It won’t be terribly clandestine or secret in nature. You and your cohorts will meet in a hotel conference room, you’ll exchange pictures of your collections and you’ll discuss how you came into the practice of acquiring massive amounts of shit one by one. Most of the stories will be pretty boring, and relate to absent father figures, but one guy, an older gentleman in a suit with a British accent and the largest collection of Batman memorabilia in the world (!!!) will actually be pretty interesting.

During one of the strange coffee breaks that will populate the meeting, making it feel a bit like an AA meeting, you’ll strike up a conversation with him and really hit it off. You’ll both be really comfortable talking about Batman, and that’ll be nice since most people, even people at this event, won’t really like discussing Batman as much as you do. You won’t think anything peculiar is afoot when the old Brit asks you to come by his room to discuss Batman over some brandy. You’ll just show up.

And you won’t think it odd when the two of you sit very, very close together. And when he rests his hand on your thigh and it feels right, you won’t think it odd at all. When he rams his tongue in your mouth, you’ll think it feels right, even though he’ll be old and his tongue will be kind of tough, leathery, slippery and wily, as if from a lifetime of smoking.

When you wake up in his arms the next day, you’ll feel complete, newborn, clean, despite the sensation of wetness surrounding your rectum. You’ll kiss him on the forehead and roll over, wondering what the next day will bring, what strange twists brought you here, whether or not what you’re doing counts as fulfilling the Batman-Alfred slash-fic you wrote when you were in high school.

You won’t worry overmuch about the answers at the time.

Congratulations Batman Memorabilia Collector!