Showing posts with label strange philanthropists. Show all posts
Showing posts with label strange philanthropists. Show all posts

Friday, August 9, 2013

Congratulations Whoremongering Philanthropist!



She’ll snap her gum and shrug.

“I guess it was kind of shaped like an egg plant,” she’ll murmur into the microphone.  Her “damage” as some might say, will prevent her from inflecting her statement, or even acknowledging that the fact that she’s seen such a penis is an odd or offputting event.  “It kind of had an eggplant color anyway.”

She’ll look you in the eye for a moment with the coldness of a woman twice her age.  This young woman, this girl, really, shouldn’t be capable of such detachment, but her life, parts of her life you’ve specifically been involved in, will have given her the temerity she needs to be this cold, this detached, this sure she’s seen it all because, at the age of seventeen, she can say with reasonable certainty that she has.

“And what did he pay you to do?”

She’ll pull her gum out of her mouth before speaking clearly into the microphone, louder now.  The prosecution will have coached her more thoroughly on how to deliver this information.

“He gave me about five hundred dollars to perform oral and anal sex on him.  No vaginal sex, though.”

The prosecuting attorney will nod pensively before she asks her follow-up question.

“Did he, at any point, inquire as to your age?”

She’ll nod.

“He asked if I was under eighteen.  I told him I was sixteen and he said ‘Perfect.’”

Your attorney will object, as he is meant to, but what the young woman said will not be disregarded, as it is both relevant and, in the context of this courtroom, eyewitness testimony.  The fact that the underaged girl, whose real name is not Charlotte, as she told you, but Sarah, a far more ordinary and intimate name, will be placed in foster care until she turns 18, will lend her testimony weight: the prosecution will have briefly detailed what she can expect to experience at a group home for the next nine months, for the benefit of the jury, to insure that they understand that this young woman had no incentive to come forward, in fact, quite the contrary.

At some point during cross examination the world will turn to static in your ears, and you’ll just sit there staring at the young woman as she expertly deflects your lawyer’s attempts to prod her into a verbal misstep.  It won’t be until he asks her why she chose to come forward that her eyes will perk up and she’ll suddenly, for a heartbeat, become a real person.

“No one should have to live this way,” she’ll say, voice cracking into the microphone.  “If I didn’t step up, he’d keep going, and she’d keep helping him do it.”  Your lawyer will then remind the jury that “she” refers to the mistress who operated the under-aged brothel you frequented.

Later, after the jury has been surreptitiously convinced to disregard wide swaths of Sarah’s testimony and found there to be reasonable doubt in this matter, you’ll step out into the light of day from the courtroom for the first time in weeks.  As you take in the air, you’ll wonder, for a moment, if you deserve this decision, if your philanthropic work permits you this freedom.  For the first time, you won’t be certain, despite the sunlight shining into your eyes, blinding you with its brilliance.

Congratulations Whoremongering Philanthropist!

Friday, April 13, 2012

Congratulations Freak Factory!


Today you’re about to become a factory that produces weird freaks of nature.

This means you’re becoming a large building occupied by a strange little man who cackles frequently and wears his hair so that it resembles a set of three massive spikes pointing upwards. This man, despite his odd mannerisms, is a kind soul who frequently gives to charity and loves the quaint creatures he creates, is a disgraced geneticist from MIT.

He purchased you under foreclosure from your previous owners, a “pharmaceutical investment company” that was, in fact, a Ponzi scheme designed to fleece hardworking people out of millions.

You will, starting today, be repurposed. The phones that were used to respond to calls for investment in a company called “Not Fradulent Pharmaceuticals Encorporated” (sic) will be cleared out, replaced with massive vats where freaks are grown.

These freaks will go on to lead long, productive lives (of up to six months) as living weapons, ordered by the United States military through a shell corporation and then licensed and deployed through private military contractors. They’ll be applied to make the world a more peaceful (less populated) place.

You, as a building used for this purpose, won’t really care, since you’re a building, and are primarily concerned with your property value which will not change significantly.

Congratulations Freak Factory!