Congratulations Giant Robot in Love!

When you see it, you’ll venture across the entire city (a whole three steps) to get up next to it.  The building of your dreams will be there, a sterile pillar reaching towards the heavens.  You’ll reach your hand up and gently stroke it.

“Hey baby,” you’ll murmur at the building which, being a building, will not respond in any way and will instead simply sit there, silently. You’ll interpret this continued state of building-ness as consent and initiate mating protocols.

“Alriiiight,” you’ll say to no one in particular before mounting the building and beginning to grind your crotch against the building.  A groaning sound will erupt from the structure under your weight, and the people around the building, who will already be trying to flee wildly, will begin to be struck by various bits of debris as the building topples under your amorous movements.

Scraps of steel will strike the earth, crushing the panicked mass of humanity who will desperately look to the sky, as if their collective gaze will shield them from a steel rain.  Hundreds will die, which is par for the course for you (as a giant robot you murder people simply by walking around) but what will really depress you is that the building, which you thought was so beautiful and perfect, won’t return your romantic gestures at all.  It’ll be enough to make the fusion reactor you have in place of a heart ache a little with radioactive pulses.

Congratulations Giant Robot in Love!

Congratulations Freak Factory!

Today you’re about to become a factory that produces weird freaks of nature.

This means you’re becoming a large building occupied by a strange little man who cackles frequently and wears his hair so that it resembles a set of three massive spikes pointing upwards. This man, despite his odd mannerisms, is a kind soul who frequently gives to charity and loves the quaint creatures he creates, is a disgraced geneticist from MIT.

He purchased you under foreclosure from your previous owners, a “pharmaceutical investment company” that was, in fact, a Ponzi scheme designed to fleece hardworking people out of millions.

You will, starting today, be repurposed. The phones that were used to respond to calls for investment in a company called “Not Fradulent Pharmaceuticals Encorporated” (sic) will be cleared out, replaced with massive vats where freaks are grown.

These freaks will go on to lead long, productive lives (of up to six months) as living weapons, ordered by the United States military through a shell corporation and then licensed and deployed through private military contractors. They’ll be applied to make the world a more peaceful (less populated) place.

You, as a building used for this purpose, won’t really care, since you’re a building, and are primarily concerned with your property value which will not change significantly.

Congratulations Freak Factory!