Congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!

It’s been a long life-journey, but you’ve finally made it to the big leagues. After attaining your graduate degree in villainy (undergraduate degree in political science and chemistry) and enduring a two year stint as a “second” to Dr. Deathclaw, a prominent bay area super-villain you’ve finally got your own practice.

You’ll be starting out in Billings next week, going up against a group of neo-survivalist “heroes” who still perceive communism as a serious threat to America. It’s not a big gig, but considering that Dr. Deathclaw’s whole shtick was opposing gay rights it’s a lot more up your wheelhouse than your apprenticeship was.

Your name, by the way, is Gold Gorilla, and you believe passionately that socialized medicine needs to be instituted on a national scale. Your overlong explanation is that during villain school your roommate transformed you into a large, blonde gorilla (true!) and that you couldn’t receive treatment for this condition because you lacked insurance (partially true).

This will immediately draw the ire of the Survival Rangers, as the Montanan heroes call themselves. Unfortunately for these heroes you’ll be the first villain they ever face, and it won’t go well for them. When they track you to your lair, a beautifully rendered piece of jungle, they’ll then attempt to use skeletal lamping techniques to flush you from your woodland paradise. They’re serious dicks.

However, since you aren’t a mindless animal you’ll avoid the lamps easily and kill four of their five-man band with a combination of rocks and your bare hands. Then you’ll violently sodomize the last member before spitting on him and leaving him there, stripped of his weapons and without any means of communication, to drag himself back to civilization, humiliated and defeated.

As he lays there bleeding you’ll bend over and whisper into his ear “Better find a doctor.” Contextually, it’ll be fucking awesome.

After that you’ll assemble four fence posts around your compound and lash the battered corpses of your enemies to them. In addition to being a tasteful yard decoration, you hope that this will also deter future bands of heroes since even though you’re a vicious psychopath you don’t actually enjoy murdering people over differences in ideology, and you’d just like to see this country get its act together and catch up with Europe on this whole healthcare thing.

Once the Consortium of Villains hears about your stunning premier performance they’ll send you a pair of solid gold gauntlets that weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of three hundred pounds and give you a new name: Solid Gold Gorilla.

Enjoy the promotion and keep fighting the good fight. Also, try to avoid dying in an ironic way. That’s how most people will be trying to kill you from here on out. And congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!