Congratulations on Being Crushed by the Hull of Your Own Ship!

Well, it’s been one hell of a career as a pirate/treasure hunter/soldier for hire. You’ve spent most of it partying hard and never looking back, even when you’ve met someone who seems to demand a glance backwards, the way you did when you met Her.

You’ve done your best not to think about Her lately, about the way the two of you felt for one another and the promises you made, promises you broke without a second thought.

You left her almost as soon as you had the chance, before something better had even come along. You left her because “your bros needed you,” because you could.

You left her without a note, without batting an eye. You did it because it’s what you’ve always done, and it was too much to expect you to change.

The last twenty years will have been kind, since then. You’ll have done your best in life, even if you were occasionally a bit inattentive, distracted by thoughts of Her.

I mean, she was absolutely amazing in bed. That thing with her tongue? And those Kegels! Sure, she was batshit, but you’ve never met a woman with Kegel control even close to hers in the time since.

As you grow older and older you’ll sit and think of her more and more often. You won’t feel guilt or passion, just her presence across your mind. It’ll be strange beyond reckoning.

As your golden years turn to silver you’ll stop being a leader and be left to wander on your own. You’ll start to spend time in boneyards and dry docks, looking at ships old and new and dreaming of adventures that may have been upon these leviathans.

It is beneath one of these hulks that you will come to nap one day, a smile on your face. You’ll have climbed under it for protection against the midday sun, and you’ll drift off to a peaceful slumber from which you’ll never wake. The timbers will collapse, dropping the full weight of the bow atop you, killing you in your sleep.

The name on the hull will read “Argos.”

The thing to take away from this would be that this wouldn’t happen if you just stopped sticking it in the crazies. Or if you weren’t afraid of commitment. Stop toying with the emotions of dangerous women.

And congratulations on being crushed by the hull on your own ship. Even thought it was peaceful it’s still a pretty ironic death.