Congratulations Again Dumptruck!

Hello again Dumptruck! Remember that time in the not so distant future when you solved that murder mystery in your uncle’s haunted mansion and acquired leadership of your fraternity? Of course you do. It’s going to be an amazing ride, and your life is pitifully dull aside from the things we’ve prophecied here. I mean, you watch Everybody Loves Raymond for god’s sake.

Well after that you’ll be putting your heart and soul into transforming your fraternity from a non-stop party house into a gay rights advocacy group. It’s actually the best thing you’ve ever done with your life, hands down, and we wanted to give you a heads up on the trials and tribulations you’ll run into with it.

It’s going to be tough at first. The entire fraternity is super homophobic. For about sixty percent of them it’s because they’re gay. Another twenty percent of them are bi, and the last twenty percent are so full of hate because their dads weren’t good to them that they just look at everyone in the world trying to find a reason to spit bile at them.

But you’ve stayed strong and the by-laws protect you so members of that last bit have slowly migrated to other fraternities, and the ones who are staying around are trying out the gay lifestyle for a while to see if they like it. Your open announcement of becoming a “gay frat” actually caused a flood of additional membership from other fraternities, since many members tired of the closeted homoeroticism which had become so stale and wanted to give the out thing a try.

Throughout this transition you’ve been building up the image of your frat as a positive force in your community, offering services and sponsoring events. You did a super gay carwash last weekend, and before that an incredibly gay food drive (both these events involved neon tank tops and fanny packs) and your most ambitious measure is still to come.

You’re going to transform the frat into a full fledged LGBT support group this weekend. You’ve been tight fisted with your plans, since most of the other leading fraternity members were murdered in your uncle’s mansion. The only one remaining was the secretary, and he’s intensely loyal to you since you basically saved his life and he thinks your relationship with Craig is adorable. So it should come as a surprise to the entire frat when you announce it on Friday.

You’re not sure what to expect. You’ve made so many strides in making your fraternity into a place of acceptance rather than one of derision, and you know this is the step you have to take if you want to do some real good in the world (your gay uncle’s ghost told you so) but you’re still frightened that it will backfire.

You haven’t even told Craig yet. The two of you have been making baby-steps towards commitment, by the by. You still see other people, but you spend most of your time together and share a bed on the nights when you have the time. You feel like things are becoming real, and the way he looks at you...

He’s seeing that you’re so much more than the token fat kid in the frat. He’s seeing a person who’s always wanted to make a difference, who saw something inside of him that he was terrified of and showed him that it was okay.

You want the rest of the frat to accept your idea, but if Craig were to walk out of your life because of it... You’d beyond devastated. You don’t think you’d be able to go on, period. Not that you’d kill yourself or anything that severe, just that you’d be too emotionally wrecked to keep up your effort to offer homosexual students on your campus a place to be themselves.

So come Friday night at the “Acceptance Kegger” your heart will be racing. When your frat brothers have assembled before you to hear your Friday night Beerdress (you really need to get someone to help you with the marketing aspects of your regime, by the way) you’ll begin with an uncharacteristically long pause. Scattered hoots will beckon you to speak, however, and you’ll begin.

Alea iacta est.

You’ll open, as is custom, with a joke.

“You know that when I first took leadership of this fraternity I wanted to make it a place where people could feel safe to be themselves, without having to worry about being murdered mid coitus by anyone, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation.”

Laughter will greet you, much as you hoped. You’ll proceed.

“You’ve all been instrumental in making this dream a reality. It’s been a long hard road for all of us, and I doubt a one of us would’ve guessed at the beginning of the semester that this is where we’d be now. But here we are. We’ve made sure that each and every one of us is free, within the walls of this house, to be whoever they want to be.

“We’ve let the community know that they can count on us to offer charity whenever possible, to give of ourselves wherever we can.”

This will prompt a few giggles from your audience, which you’ll ignore.

“I believe that everyone should have access to a place like this. I’m glad we’ve been able to share some of the good we’ve done with the world, but I believe we have more to offer. I think we can make this more than just a safe place for ourselves and our brothers. I think we can make this a safe place for everyone.”

You’ll take a deep breath and steel yourself.

“That is why I’ve chosen to open our fraternity to the public as an LGBT Pride and Support group. Our membership will no longer be exclusive, although no existing residents of the house will be removed. We will simply be allowing individuals in through an equal application system, rather than a pledge system.”

The crowd will begin to murmur.

“I understand any trepidation you may feel, and I encourage you to discuss it with me in a more personal forum so that we can work through it. I believe that this is the way for us to do the most good in the world, and to be the best we can be. Thank you.”

You’ll be sweating when you finish, your eyes focused on Craig. All around him the crowd will be surging with activity, but he’ll just be sitting there. It’ll be too far for you to know for sure at the distance but you’ll think you see his eyes tearing.

He will sit there for a seeming eternity in thought, expressionless and statuesque, before he stands up. When he does it your heart will break a little, but it’ll barely take a beat before he slaps his hands against one another as loud as he can. Slowly at first, then faster and faster until a peal of applause rips through the room.

You’ll smile out at him, and he’ll smile back.

Congratulations again Dumptruck.