Congratulations on Getting Rid of Your Gay Vibe!

We’ve all been watching you for a long while and we’ve been impressed by just how gay you are.  Impeccably dressed, with close cropped hair and a clean, debonair shave on your face at all times.  You’re the gayest person we know, and we know Ronny “Fucks-A-Lot69” Thompson, infamous Grindr stomparound and general STD-bag.

But here’s the problem. America isn’t ready for anyone as gay as you, anyone as together and snazzily dressed and charismatic.  We need you to tone it down, and the residents of the small Ohio town you live in have finally up and told you, “dude, you need to tone it down a lot.”  They did so by passing a statute that requires any gay man residing within the limits of Crankshafts Township, the fictional township they invented and districted to encompass your home and property, must conduct himself in such a fashion so as to eliminate any visible trace of homosexuality.

That’s why, starting today, you’re going to let your hair grow out.  You’re going to wear a trucker’s hat.  You’re going to collect a number of stained, beleaguered tanktops and make them the cornerstone of your wardrobe, and you’re going to lose all of the conversational skills you developed at Oberlin and, from this day forward, only be able to discuss football and classic cars while within the city limits of whatever shitspeck town you settled in to.

We’d tell you to move on, but honestly?  You’ve got a really good thing going there.  Lots of land, low property taxes, and a surprisingly good bagel shop for rural Ohio.  So we’re going to advise you to tough it out and wait until they move on to picking on the second gayest person in town, your closeted homosexual mayor.  Then you can get back to dressing like a person and blowing your boyfriend and the rest of us can go back to looking at the futures of interesting people who are less infuriatingly responsible, you god damn queermo.

Congratulations on Getting Rid of Your Gay Vibe!

Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!

Log Cabin Republicans have it all wrong and even some of those Democrats who campaign for gay rights don’t have it quite right, trying to protect the children from things like buttsex and awesome instances of buttsex that gay guys are talking about a little too loudly on a train. That’s why you and some of your friends started Ass Spelunkers for Freedom, an extremely vocal group that pairs the fight for gay rights with the protection of civil liberties as a whole, with great, deliberate attention paid to the right to free speech and the right to freedom of assembly.

That means all man nude love-ins would, under the dictum of your party, qualify as protected speech. As would discussing how great the handy you got your from boyfriend the other night was on a crowded train a little bit too loud and within earshot of children. Also included in the protections you want are protections levied towards tasteful same-sex focused pornographic websites and graphic sex education videos which show two young gay men having awkward, but kinda sweet sex.

Suffice it to say you’ve been met with nothing but controversy since your press release late last week declaring your intent to stage a rally in a public park to attempt to drum up membership and dispel some of the misconceptions about your new movement, like the idea that you’re a bunch of baby rapists.

The rally will start off uneventfully, with a few interested parties who heard about you from reading print news or on the internet trailing in an listening calmly as you explain your viewpoint in terms of constitutional law, then leaving, usually without signing the petition, after you finish describing the proposed sex-ed video. A few of them will sign it, though, saying it sounds “totally hot” and “way less boring than the sex-ed video they saw in high school.” One guy will even say, we paraphrase, “That sounds like a gay version of the video they make in the end of The Girl Next Door. [Expression of interest] yeah I’ll sign that [document].”

But after around an hour of good natured questions, agreements, disagreements and one phone number from a dude who thinks your struggle for civil liberties is totally hot, the Tea Partiers will show up.

They’ll arrive with signs declaring that they aren’t Republicans, still covered in McCain-Palin-2010 bumper stickers and start chanting the Pledge of Allegiance as loud as they possibly can while you’re explaining your belief in the natural extremism of the Constitution with regards to personal liberty and the necessity of its protection by the state to a young woman in a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. The two of you will stop and stare at the Tea Partiers while they chant their black little hearts out. You’ll wait for them to stop patiently, but they’ll just start right back in. The two of you will then shrug and continue speaking in ASL, which you both know because you’re godless liberals who learn every fucking immigrant language that comes into this country.

Lucky for you American conservatives are notoriously bad at being straight, so even brief exposure to your people will almost instantly “turn” them gay. After around forty minutes of hoarse, often incorrect chanting of a relatively insignificant gesture popularized in the American public school system that these people so vehemently oppose, several of the men who have been chanting will break down and start blowing each other in public.

This will lead to a massive backlash as other members of the Tea Partying group claim the devil has been unleashed by your quiet demonstration of personal freedom. Many of their members engaged in the act of fellatio with other men will momentarily clear their mouths and shout their affirmations before continuing to suck dick like it’s going out of style (which it isn’t). This period of intolerance will be interrupted when one of the Tea Partiers notes that only their own members are engaged in acts of public indecency, then further broken up when another one expresses confusion as to exactly what they’re protesting.

The Tea Partiers will then break down into internal bickering, splitting into several additional groups, one of which will start talking to you and listening calmly while you explain your stance. That group will mostly sign your petition before you get to the part about the sex-ed video, and a few will do so even afterwords.

In the end the entire thing will be a rousing success, and the bizarre and confusing Tea Party protest will even get you national coverage. Thus will begin your journey to state senatorship and, perhaps, dare we say, the White House (probably not)?

Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!

Congratulations Again Dumptruck!

Hello again Dumptruck! Remember that time in the not so distant future when you solved that murder mystery in your uncle’s haunted mansion and acquired leadership of your fraternity? Of course you do. It’s going to be an amazing ride, and your life is pitifully dull aside from the things we’ve prophecied here. I mean, you watch Everybody Loves Raymond for god’s sake.

Well after that you’ll be putting your heart and soul into transforming your fraternity from a non-stop party house into a gay rights advocacy group. It’s actually the best thing you’ve ever done with your life, hands down, and we wanted to give you a heads up on the trials and tribulations you’ll run into with it.

It’s going to be tough at first. The entire fraternity is super homophobic. For about sixty percent of them it’s because they’re gay. Another twenty percent of them are bi, and the last twenty percent are so full of hate because their dads weren’t good to them that they just look at everyone in the world trying to find a reason to spit bile at them.

But you’ve stayed strong and the by-laws protect you so members of that last bit have slowly migrated to other fraternities, and the ones who are staying around are trying out the gay lifestyle for a while to see if they like it. Your open announcement of becoming a “gay frat” actually caused a flood of additional membership from other fraternities, since many members tired of the closeted homoeroticism which had become so stale and wanted to give the out thing a try.

Throughout this transition you’ve been building up the image of your frat as a positive force in your community, offering services and sponsoring events. You did a super gay carwash last weekend, and before that an incredibly gay food drive (both these events involved neon tank tops and fanny packs) and your most ambitious measure is still to come.

You’re going to transform the frat into a full fledged LGBT support group this weekend. You’ve been tight fisted with your plans, since most of the other leading fraternity members were murdered in your uncle’s mansion. The only one remaining was the secretary, and he’s intensely loyal to you since you basically saved his life and he thinks your relationship with Craig is adorable. So it should come as a surprise to the entire frat when you announce it on Friday.

You’re not sure what to expect. You’ve made so many strides in making your fraternity into a place of acceptance rather than one of derision, and you know this is the step you have to take if you want to do some real good in the world (your gay uncle’s ghost told you so) but you’re still frightened that it will backfire.

You haven’t even told Craig yet. The two of you have been making baby-steps towards commitment, by the by. You still see other people, but you spend most of your time together and share a bed on the nights when you have the time. You feel like things are becoming real, and the way he looks at you...

He’s seeing that you’re so much more than the token fat kid in the frat. He’s seeing a person who’s always wanted to make a difference, who saw something inside of him that he was terrified of and showed him that it was okay.

You want the rest of the frat to accept your idea, but if Craig were to walk out of your life because of it... You’d beyond devastated. You don’t think you’d be able to go on, period. Not that you’d kill yourself or anything that severe, just that you’d be too emotionally wrecked to keep up your effort to offer homosexual students on your campus a place to be themselves.

So come Friday night at the “Acceptance Kegger” your heart will be racing. When your frat brothers have assembled before you to hear your Friday night Beerdress (you really need to get someone to help you with the marketing aspects of your regime, by the way) you’ll begin with an uncharacteristically long pause. Scattered hoots will beckon you to speak, however, and you’ll begin.

Alea iacta est.

You’ll open, as is custom, with a joke.

“You know that when I first took leadership of this fraternity I wanted to make it a place where people could feel safe to be themselves, without having to worry about being murdered mid coitus by anyone, regardless of race, creed, or sexual orientation.”

Laughter will greet you, much as you hoped. You’ll proceed.

“You’ve all been instrumental in making this dream a reality. It’s been a long hard road for all of us, and I doubt a one of us would’ve guessed at the beginning of the semester that this is where we’d be now. But here we are. We’ve made sure that each and every one of us is free, within the walls of this house, to be whoever they want to be.

“We’ve let the community know that they can count on us to offer charity whenever possible, to give of ourselves wherever we can.”

This will prompt a few giggles from your audience, which you’ll ignore.

“I believe that everyone should have access to a place like this. I’m glad we’ve been able to share some of the good we’ve done with the world, but I believe we have more to offer. I think we can make this more than just a safe place for ourselves and our brothers. I think we can make this a safe place for everyone.”

You’ll take a deep breath and steel yourself.

“That is why I’ve chosen to open our fraternity to the public as an LGBT Pride and Support group. Our membership will no longer be exclusive, although no existing residents of the house will be removed. We will simply be allowing individuals in through an equal application system, rather than a pledge system.”

The crowd will begin to murmur.

“I understand any trepidation you may feel, and I encourage you to discuss it with me in a more personal forum so that we can work through it. I believe that this is the way for us to do the most good in the world, and to be the best we can be. Thank you.”

You’ll be sweating when you finish, your eyes focused on Craig. All around him the crowd will be surging with activity, but he’ll just be sitting there. It’ll be too far for you to know for sure at the distance but you’ll think you see his eyes tearing.

He will sit there for a seeming eternity in thought, expressionless and statuesque, before he stands up. When he does it your heart will break a little, but it’ll barely take a beat before he slaps his hands against one another as loud as he can. Slowly at first, then faster and faster until a peal of applause rips through the room.

You’ll smile out at him, and he’ll smile back.

Congratulations again Dumptruck.