Congratulations on Getting Rid of Your Gay Vibe!

We’ve all been watching you for a long while and we’ve been impressed by just how gay you are.  Impeccably dressed, with close cropped hair and a clean, debonair shave on your face at all times.  You’re the gayest person we know, and we know Ronny “Fucks-A-Lot69” Thompson, infamous Grindr stomparound and general STD-bag.

But here’s the problem. America isn’t ready for anyone as gay as you, anyone as together and snazzily dressed and charismatic.  We need you to tone it down, and the residents of the small Ohio town you live in have finally up and told you, “dude, you need to tone it down a lot.”  They did so by passing a statute that requires any gay man residing within the limits of Crankshafts Township, the fictional township they invented and districted to encompass your home and property, must conduct himself in such a fashion so as to eliminate any visible trace of homosexuality.

That’s why, starting today, you’re going to let your hair grow out.  You’re going to wear a trucker’s hat.  You’re going to collect a number of stained, beleaguered tanktops and make them the cornerstone of your wardrobe, and you’re going to lose all of the conversational skills you developed at Oberlin and, from this day forward, only be able to discuss football and classic cars while within the city limits of whatever shitspeck town you settled in to.

We’d tell you to move on, but honestly?  You’ve got a really good thing going there.  Lots of land, low property taxes, and a surprisingly good bagel shop for rural Ohio.  So we’re going to advise you to tough it out and wait until they move on to picking on the second gayest person in town, your closeted homosexual mayor.  Then you can get back to dressing like a person and blowing your boyfriend and the rest of us can go back to looking at the futures of interesting people who are less infuriatingly responsible, you god damn queermo.

Congratulations on Getting Rid of Your Gay Vibe!