Congratulations Grown Up Kid with Spiky Hair!

We all love Final Fantasy 7.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  A very specific selection of young men and women who grew up around a certain time all love it.  And the iconic imagery of FF7, with its excessive swords and punk inspired hairdos, continues to reverberate with these nerds to this very day.  Not a one of us can look at a motorcycle or a man with his forearm removed and replaced with a gattling gun without thinking of those halcyon days, when men were men and women had giant, weirdly pixilated boobies.

But you, you took it a step further.  You spent all your time working out, doing pushups and generally shaping your body into an idealized template.  Then you conditioned yourself to wear contact lenses that make your eyes a super freaky shade of green.  Then you carefully crafted your own buster sword.

Since you lived in New York, people just thought you were eccentric.  Since your Buster Sword looked more like a fashion accessory than a weapon, the cops left you alone, and your slicked up blonde bad boy look drew you just enough attention to keep your attuned to grown up level sex without spoiling you.

But then you moved to Williamsburg, and all that changed.  People still dressed like douchebags, but the douchebags on this side of the river were so much more judgmental, so much more sanctimonious about their fashion choices that they did all they could to make you feel like an idiot for dressing the way you wanted to.

Until today.  Today, while walking home from the only board game store in Williamsburg, a woman with curly brown hair is going to burst out of Momofuku and tackle you.  She’s going to pin you to the ground with kisses, only pausing to murmur in your ear “Cloud, you’re here,” and “Thank you, thank you.”

You’ll just lay there as Leigh Alexander has her way with you in full public view of every hipster in Williamsburg.  And while it will be something of a confusing event, she’ll look enough like Aeris to make the whole experience somewhat canonical and, overall, quite pleasant.  And when you’re constantly being ridiculed by random dipshits who dress like idiots without a single iota of your courage and heartfelt drive for self-expression, that can be enough to keep you going for a really long time.

Congratulations Grown Up Kid with Spiky Hair!