Congratulations New Homeowner!

When you broke into your neighbor’s house, you never thought you’d love it quite as much as you did.  Laying down on their rugs and rubbing off layers of skin on them, drinking their tea, sitting in their chairs, masturbating in their beds.  You’ll have a big grin on your face while you loofah up in their shower when you hear the door open.  Then your face will reflexively drop into a killing grimace.

You’ll slip down the stairs while the shower is still running, leaving a trail of dripping water as you move, the pitter-patter of the water hiding the sound of your footfalls.  You’ll kill the man of the house with a garrote, then hide his body in the incredible ice chest they have in the basement.  Then you’ll wait patiently for the lady of the house to come home.

She’ll arrive two hours later, covered in sweat and grime and complaining about dog washing.  She won’t know anything is wrong until you clasp your hand around her mouth and whisper “Shhh” into her ear.  You’ll slip the knife into the back of her neck and purr with satisfaction as her body slides down off of it, humming to yourself with satisfaction.

Days later, when you’ve cleaned up and taken to simply lazing about on the couch and watching cable, the police will stop by.  You’ll rudely and derisively tell them that you bought this cash with American money like a fucking patriot and if they don’t like it they can go back to Russia where people like them suck each other’s dicks for money.  Then you’ll slam the door in their faces before they have time to ask how that would actually earn anyone money, since it would just be going back and forth all the time.

That’ll give you another week to enjoy the house before the cops start catching on, at which point your old friend arson will solve all your problems!

Congratulations New Homeowner!