Congratulations on Getting Fired for Dry Humping a Pillow in the Office!

You’ll know why you’re there as soon as the HR rep peels you off the floor of your cubicle and walks you, by the hand, into the main office.  There the head of HR will be waiting, along with a handful of lawyers and your psychologist, Doctor Frankenforter.  They’ll take one look at you, still wearing your sweats, still clutching your body pillow in one hand as you settle into the ergonomic chair arranged in front of them, and they’ll all do their best to not look directly at you.

“Well,” the HR director will begin.  “I think we all know why you’re here.”

“WELL I DON’T!” you’ll shout at him, clutching your body pillow in front of you like a shield of some sort.  Everyone will shake their head at you as another HR rep begins speaking.

“You’ve been laying on the ground, humping that body pillow and crying a lot lately.  It’s making it tough for anyone in the office to get anything done.”

You won’t have anything to say to that, so the HR director will begin speaking anew after a brief pause.

“We’re going to have to let you go.”

You’ll begin crying uncontrollably at this point.  Just bawling into the body pillow, which you’ll stroke like the body of an old lover.  You’ll look at everyone arrayed on the table across from you with hate in your eyes, just barely cutting through your welling tears, and you’ll choke out a plea.

“Please, don’t take this from me too.”  The HR rep will inhale sharply, then continue as if he’s sighing.

“We know this is a bad time for you, and we’ve agreed to continue paying Doctor Frankenforter to see you three times a week in exchange for an agreement on your part to not pursue any kind of legal action on our company for your termination.  We don’t want to be responsible for any further distress you experience, and if possible we’d like to allay the distress you’ve currently been enduring.

“YOU’RE JUST LIKE ALL MEN!” you’ll shout at the female HR director, who will look baffled for a second before her HR instincts cause her to dismiss any human emotion or vulnerability to rational appeal.  She’ll slide a folder over to you.

“You’re being offered a generous severance package.   We strongly encourage you to engage in your therapy wholeheartedly and to stop carrying that body pillow around with you.  It has a number of questionable stains, and it immediately puts anyone who sees you ill at ease.”  Doctor Frankenforter will nod in agreement and write something on that ridiculous notepad he always carries with him.  Then he and the others will stand and give you a giant hug before walking you back to your desk where you’ll box up your personal things before being lead out of the building by security.

Through the swell of tears blinding you, you’ll smile as you recall one of the furtive moments of happiness you had in your relationship.  Then, as you leave, you’ll catch sight of the IT guy you used to date and lose your shit, rushing at him, clawing at the security guards as they hold you back.   They’ll share a look as they continue to bodily drag you out of the building, as if this is the first time they’ve ever had to actually restrain anyone physically.

Congratulations on Getting Fired for Dry Humping a Pillow in the Office!