Congratulations on Raising Two of the Most Retarded We've Ever Seen!

You’re a woman of a certain age who has sex a certain number of times a year and usually one in about four of those rare sex-having-occasions results in a kid.  Being a good, god fearing woman you avoid any kind of prenatal care and, as a result, end up bearing children with relatively severe birth defects: health problems, issues with bloodflow to the brain early in life that result in permanent neural damage, extra fingers.

Well, today two of those kids, Track and Trig, will become adults.  Well, legally they’ll become adults.  Mentally, they’ll have barely progressed past the level of an average fourth grader.   Emotionally, they’ll be rooted in the developmental phase that most humans go through while first-order learning is occurring.  Physically, they’ll be very strong and move very slowly.  They’ll be prone to hurting people and raping women without understanding what “rape” means.

Your largesse will have kept these cases out of the paper, and today your boys will grow up big and strong and capable of owning their own guns.  Which means that in about four months a bunch of high schools in Alaska are going to get shot up.

Oops, we might’ve just given away the punchline.  Suffice it to say, your profoundly handicapped and maladjusted offspring are going to be unleashed on the world, and thanks to your obscene and ill-gotten wealth, they’ll have no sense of fiscal or social responsibility to inhibit them, so they’re going to do a bunch of really violent shit with all the money and guns you’ve given them over the years and, thanks to your shit ass parenting, they’ll never even know they’re doing anything wrong.

Kudos.  We’d like to think you’re reading this, but we know you’re actually busy writing another letter to the Discovery network to try and have your defunct reality show resurrected.

Congratulations on Raising Two of the Most Retarded Kids We’ve Ever Seen!