Congratulations on Approving Giant Gay Robot Marriage, America!

Look, we don’t much understand fancy things like laws or book learning or how them potater chips become poops inside our tum tums. But we do understand that there’s nothing Jesus likes more than a penis going into a vagina.

The bible is obsessed with that shit.  Everybody’s doing it every other page, and Jesus is constantly offering his critiques.  He’s telling guys to fuck their daughters, screaming at them not to pull out, shouting more, more, more fucking.  God damnit, more fucking.  Have a thousand wives, sell your children into sexual slavery, rape your neighbors after you’ve defeated them in a war.  The bible is basically a long love letter to how important it is to always be sticking your P into a V, even if you’ve got to break some pretty serious psycho-social eggs along the way.

But does America listen to that?  No.  That’s why today, a few weeks after the Supreme Court issued some highly limited decisions about how gay people’s right to stick it into each other in a committed, miserable relationship like straight people can, the unthinkable will happen: America (collectively, that is to say you) will approve (tacitly or otherwise) acts of homosexual congress (that is to say, sexual congress, similar to the sort of actions proposed and carried out by individuals such as Prince in a heterosexual context) between giant robots (similar to the robots portrayed in the smash summer hit movie Pacific Rim!) and other giant robots and/or monsters of the same sex.  That’s right, America.  You just approved of giant robots fucking.

“What if I don’t want to watch giant robots fuck,” you ask?  Tough shit, they’re fucking huge, good luck not seeing that.

“What if I shut my windows and don’t listen?”  The screeching of metal groin on metal buttock will cut through your walls like they aren’t even there.

“What if I’m into it?”  I bet you are pervert.

“Wait, how do two robots fuck?”  We’re actually not entirely sure.

“Would you like to watch two robots fuck together?”  I guess, I mean, would that make us gay.

Let’s find out!

Congratulations on Approving Giant Gay Robot Marriage, America!

Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!

Log Cabin Republicans have it all wrong and even some of those Democrats who campaign for gay rights don’t have it quite right, trying to protect the children from things like buttsex and awesome instances of buttsex that gay guys are talking about a little too loudly on a train. That’s why you and some of your friends started Ass Spelunkers for Freedom, an extremely vocal group that pairs the fight for gay rights with the protection of civil liberties as a whole, with great, deliberate attention paid to the right to free speech and the right to freedom of assembly.

That means all man nude love-ins would, under the dictum of your party, qualify as protected speech. As would discussing how great the handy you got your from boyfriend the other night was on a crowded train a little bit too loud and within earshot of children. Also included in the protections you want are protections levied towards tasteful same-sex focused pornographic websites and graphic sex education videos which show two young gay men having awkward, but kinda sweet sex.

Suffice it to say you’ve been met with nothing but controversy since your press release late last week declaring your intent to stage a rally in a public park to attempt to drum up membership and dispel some of the misconceptions about your new movement, like the idea that you’re a bunch of baby rapists.

The rally will start off uneventfully, with a few interested parties who heard about you from reading print news or on the internet trailing in an listening calmly as you explain your viewpoint in terms of constitutional law, then leaving, usually without signing the petition, after you finish describing the proposed sex-ed video. A few of them will sign it, though, saying it sounds “totally hot” and “way less boring than the sex-ed video they saw in high school.” One guy will even say, we paraphrase, “That sounds like a gay version of the video they make in the end of The Girl Next Door. [Expression of interest] yeah I’ll sign that [document].”

But after around an hour of good natured questions, agreements, disagreements and one phone number from a dude who thinks your struggle for civil liberties is totally hot, the Tea Partiers will show up.

They’ll arrive with signs declaring that they aren’t Republicans, still covered in McCain-Palin-2010 bumper stickers and start chanting the Pledge of Allegiance as loud as they possibly can while you’re explaining your belief in the natural extremism of the Constitution with regards to personal liberty and the necessity of its protection by the state to a young woman in a Bryn Mawr sweatshirt. The two of you will stop and stare at the Tea Partiers while they chant their black little hearts out. You’ll wait for them to stop patiently, but they’ll just start right back in. The two of you will then shrug and continue speaking in ASL, which you both know because you’re godless liberals who learn every fucking immigrant language that comes into this country.

Lucky for you American conservatives are notoriously bad at being straight, so even brief exposure to your people will almost instantly “turn” them gay. After around forty minutes of hoarse, often incorrect chanting of a relatively insignificant gesture popularized in the American public school system that these people so vehemently oppose, several of the men who have been chanting will break down and start blowing each other in public.

This will lead to a massive backlash as other members of the Tea Partying group claim the devil has been unleashed by your quiet demonstration of personal freedom. Many of their members engaged in the act of fellatio with other men will momentarily clear their mouths and shout their affirmations before continuing to suck dick like it’s going out of style (which it isn’t). This period of intolerance will be interrupted when one of the Tea Partiers notes that only their own members are engaged in acts of public indecency, then further broken up when another one expresses confusion as to exactly what they’re protesting.

The Tea Partiers will then break down into internal bickering, splitting into several additional groups, one of which will start talking to you and listening calmly while you explain your stance. That group will mostly sign your petition before you get to the part about the sex-ed video, and a few will do so even afterwords.

In the end the entire thing will be a rousing success, and the bizarre and confusing Tea Party protest will even get you national coverage. Thus will begin your journey to state senatorship and, perhaps, dare we say, the White House (probably not)?

Congratulations Anal Spelunkers for Freedom!

Congratulations on Getting Your Period!

College is a turbulent time in everyone’s life. All that hard work and meeting all those new people can be pretty stressful. Factor in all that consequence free sex you’ll be having with hot young coeds (many of them not visually repellent!) and it’s a tough place to be when you haven’t had your period yet.

There’s no medical explanation. Doctors have been puzzled by it, but you seem perfectly healthy otherwise so no one’s made a big fuss. On the upside you can bang all the boys you want and never worry about getting preggers. But on the downside you have incredibly painful cramps sometimes and you have to sit out all those group discussions women have about their periods which is a huge bummer.

You’ve thought about faking it with pig’s blood and a little bit of American can-do, but you expect to be getting it any day now and you don’t want to fake it and lose the chance to share all the real excitement that it’ll give you ere long.

Turns out you’re not far off. It will be coming this Friday. It will be a normal college Friday for you. Classes will end early and you’ll sit down with a few girlfriends to get shitfaced and prance about campus like the little tramps you are.

At around 11 PM you’ll opt to head back to your dorm room with a boy with a rapist goatee named Lance. After fifteen minutes of awkward foreplay he’ll enter you and being writhing in a fashion similar to “the Worm” for a minute and a half before orgasming inside you without warning or permission.

It’ll be a dick move on his part, but boy are you ever going to get him back. Because as he comes your period is going to hit like a freight train ejecting both his semen and his penis from your body in a flood of revolting bodily fluids.

It’ll ruin sex for him forever and almost make him swear off date rape completely. On the downside, it will be kind of gross. But on the upside it was fucking hilarious, he had it coming and you’ll have become a literal vessel of divine vengeance, just like every other woman.

Back on the downside you’ll be a lot crazier from here on out. Win some, lose some, right? Congratulations on Getting Your Period!