Congratulations on Getting Your Period!

College is a turbulent time in everyone’s life. All that hard work and meeting all those new people can be pretty stressful. Factor in all that consequence free sex you’ll be having with hot young coeds (many of them not visually repellent!) and it’s a tough place to be when you haven’t had your period yet.

There’s no medical explanation. Doctors have been puzzled by it, but you seem perfectly healthy otherwise so no one’s made a big fuss. On the upside you can bang all the boys you want and never worry about getting preggers. But on the downside you have incredibly painful cramps sometimes and you have to sit out all those group discussions women have about their periods which is a huge bummer.

You’ve thought about faking it with pig’s blood and a little bit of American can-do, but you expect to be getting it any day now and you don’t want to fake it and lose the chance to share all the real excitement that it’ll give you ere long.

Turns out you’re not far off. It will be coming this Friday. It will be a normal college Friday for you. Classes will end early and you’ll sit down with a few girlfriends to get shitfaced and prance about campus like the little tramps you are.

At around 11 PM you’ll opt to head back to your dorm room with a boy with a rapist goatee named Lance. After fifteen minutes of awkward foreplay he’ll enter you and being writhing in a fashion similar to “the Worm” for a minute and a half before orgasming inside you without warning or permission.

It’ll be a dick move on his part, but boy are you ever going to get him back. Because as he comes your period is going to hit like a freight train ejecting both his semen and his penis from your body in a flood of revolting bodily fluids.

It’ll ruin sex for him forever and almost make him swear off date rape completely. On the downside, it will be kind of gross. But on the upside it was fucking hilarious, he had it coming and you’ll have become a literal vessel of divine vengeance, just like every other woman.

Back on the downside you’ll be a lot crazier from here on out. Win some, lose some, right? Congratulations on Getting Your Period!