Congratulations on Your Noble Sacrifice!

“It’s okay, son,” you’ll tell him, tears welling in your eyes. Your hand will be resting on his shoulder and he’ll look at you confused. He’ll have no idea how hard this is for you. You’ll cough, trying to cover your first sob.

Your wife will look at you, baffled. She clearly doesn’t know what’s going on, and you don’t want to clue her in. You want her to be just as happy as she’s always been right up until your end. You’ll smile and squeeze her hand, which will be a little awkward since you’re still holding your son’s shoulder. It’ll involve spreading your body out across the entire dining room table to touch both of them at once, but it’ll be super dramatic.

“Thanks, dad,” your son will say, ducking out from your hand to grab the last piece of chicken from the frying pan. He’s a growing boy, and he’ll have to be the man of the house soon. He’ll need that chicken to help him grow up big and strong.

“No,” you’ll say, coughing blood into your hand. “Thank you, son.”

The last world will barely issue from your throat and you’ll topple out of your chair when you finish, blood trickling from the side of your mouth. Then your wife will run to your side, remembering your meat deficiency. She’ll look at your supine form and realize what she’s done by failing to prepare enough poultry that night.

“Why!” she’ll shout to no one in particular. “Why didn’t I purchase more chicken, or perhaps some pre-made chicken as a safety measure?! WHY?”

She’ll hold one hand up to the sky in a dramatic gesture while the other one cradles you. Your son will sit at the table, a piece of chicken on the tip of his fork halfway between the plate and his mouth.

“Daddy?” he’ll say, tears welling in his voice.

Your wife will be weeping now, cradling your body with hers. “Eat the chicken, honey,” she’ll say without looking at him. He’ll force it down his throat, every bite tasting like ashes, then he’ll help your wife with the dishes before the two of them call the paramedics and have your body removed.

Congratulations on your noble sacrifice. It truly was a great gesture, although you will be condemning your son to years of therapy, even more than your horribly planned “birds and the bees” speech would’ve.