Congratulations on Developing Luscious Breasts!

Like many 13 year olds your body is about to undergo some changes. Puberty is something everyone has to endure. But not everyone’s dad is a prophet. And not everyone inherits their dad’s gift. So tomorrow you’re going to go from being an androgynous little boy to being an androgynous little boy with incredible breasts and the unfortunate name of Delphi.

Look, sometimes prophets get lucky and just look really girly. Sometimes they sort of just look like Pat from the old “It’s Pat!” sketches. And sometimes they’re steaming heaps of secondary sex characteristics like you.

We won’t lie. Tomorrow is going to suck for you a lot. You’re going to get pens thrown at you and on your way home today a group of four or five children will try to stone you. You’ll only be spared a bloody death when a homeless man chases them off, but once he’s forced them away he’s going to chase you around in a confused state with his dick out.

It’ll be an awful day, and the rest of junior high will just get worse and worse. In high school your incredibly low expectations will cause things to level out for the most part. You’ll have a few gay friends, one of whom just says she’s a lesbian to get close to you, but you won’t go to your prom (no suit could possibly contain your incredible tits) and you’ll suffer from depression so severe that if your parents weren’t crazy hippies you’d probably be on Zoloft.

But come college you’re going to get be getting pussy from all those hot bi-curious chicks you’ve read so much about on the internet. Turns out they’re all real, and you’ll be dealing with all the aggressive sexuality, short hair and exposed tattoos that you can handle for a three year stretch. And then one year of more than you can handle to follow it up.

After that, though, your life is going to descend into the same horrible mess as the rest of ours when you work for a rival future agency. Too bad you didn’t just come to Sexy Results, where you’d be treated with dignity, but hey. Its your call.

Also, Karen from accounting totally would’ve blown you.

Congratulations on developing luscious breasts anyway. And rest assured, some of us got it way worse from fate.