Congratulations on Joining the Supreme Court!

The Supreme Court of the United States has quite a colorful and storied history. From Marbury v. Madison to the present day it’s been a non-stop roller coast ride of jurisprudence. Sometimes the constitutional clause permitting the national legislature to regulate interstate commerce is in full swing, sometimes its authority is limited to issues considered strictly necessary to national welfare. Sometimes black people are appointed to the court, sometimes women. Latinos might even join the court one day. It’s a wacky place to be where almost anything can happen.

But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to get into. Sure, it might’ve been back in the day when all you had to do was give Taft a hand job and you were in like Flynn, but nowadays confirmation is a long, arduous process which requires candidates to run a political gauntlet. The questioning sessions are almost mystical in their motions, Congress’ decisions impossible to discern beforehand. Even seemingly safe bets can come under fire.

You’re no exception. The hearings regarding your approval are easily going to be the most controversial since Robert Bork’s (A man who wears a bow tie and went to college on the Supreme Court? We don’t think so!) and with good cause. You’ll be replacing Justice Kennedy after his unexpected death from injuries sustained during a mugging by a pack of wolves. Kennedy, with his long, winding jurisprudence, has always leaned a little bit to the right and you’ll have a lot more in common with Breyer.

You’ll strongly believe in power of the federal government and the rights of individuals, and you’ll stand completely opposite to Kennedy regarding women, free speech and gun control. And, to boot, you’ll be a muppet.

We won’t say which (we don’t want to see a potential Justice done in by anything other than public opinion, after all, and a recent poll showed the most popular profession among our readers to be "assassin") but we will let you know that it won’t help your confirmation process. They’ll constantly want to know if you’re speaking your mind or if you’re just parroting the opinions of whoever is controlling you at any given moment. Your jokes about Clarence Thomas and the neo-conservative wing of the Republican Party won’t help ease the tension on that subject, by the way.

But your empowered statements about the importance of establishing intelligently constructed jurisprudence which protects the rights of Americans for generations to come will ring true, even with those who don’t agree with you politically. Your passion for law, the Constitution, and this country we call America will be apparent to any who listen to you. And the fact that you’re adorable will help, too.

And when we watch you get sworn in, your fuzzy, clumsy arm draped across the bible, we have to admit we’ll cry a little. It’ll be hard not to. You’ve broken down another barrier in America, and it’ll be a beautiful day.

Congratulations on joining the Supreme Court. Make us proud up there, fuzzy friend.