Congratulations on Emerging From Your Cave!

You’ve been in there a while, ever since the world rejected you and your “unconventional love.” You felt that if your bestial passion was too real for the world then you would remove yourself from it and secret yourself away in the wilderness, where passion was the only rule.

You trekked long and hard to make your way to your way to a place where U.S. law couldn’t touch. Luckily, after arriving in New Hampshire you and Muggles, the homosexual bear who likes people, had absolutely no trouble finding a cave far, far from humanity where no one would ever find you, even if they were looking. Not that anyone was, mind you. You’re incredibly unpleasant to be around, which is why your only long-standing sexual partner to date has been a bear.

It’ll be idyllic for a few years. You’ll make a small garden above the cave and Muggles will catch fish and bring them back to the cave for you to make odd dishes. For almost a decade the two of you will communicate through soft whispers and wordless roars, and the world will seem like paradise. You’ll know how great the Garden was before Eve arrived.

Unfortunately at around year nine the fire will start to fade. You and Muggles will do it less and less, partly because he no longer finds you attractive and partly because being repeatedly penetrated by a bear phallus has caused some unexpected (to you) long term health concerns You’ll have been in a month long holding pattern before you discover the first hunter’s cap.

It’ll be plaid, just like the ones in the movie. You’ll be puzzled when you first find it. Have you been discovered? Has something gone horribly wrong? Is Muggles alright?

You’ll run through the cave, searching for him. When you find him, safe and un-shot, you’ll give him the biggest hug he’s had in his whole bear life (no mean feat) and tell him you love him. He’ll just stand there, shocked, thinking you’ve already discovered the truth. Which, of course, you haven’t.

When he looks so puzzled in response you’ll tell him you found the hunter’s cap and that you’re just glad he’s alright. He’ll get even stiffer then, and not in the way you like. He’ll push you away and apologize in his bear-ey way. He’ll communicate by way of a series of low growls that you deserve to know the truth.

He’ll place his paw over your frail human hand and coo his apologies. He’ll tell you that he’s been feeling less and less attracted to you for a while now, and so he’s been taking some time on each of his hunting trips to find different humans to sleep with. Not because he doesn’t want to be with you, but because he wants to see if he’s just become numb to the entire idea of sex with humans.

You’ll pull your hand away, revolted. You never thought he’d do this. Ever since you rescued Muggles from that circus he’d always been your friend, your companion, your lover. Losing him? Like this? It feels so wrong. You’ll feel completely betrayed.

“No!” you’ll shout, pushing his paws away. “It’s not okay, Muggles!”

Then you’ll weep, and Muggles will know that he’s ruined everything. He should have, as he suspected, asked for Dan Savage’s advice (You still have a subscription to The Stranger, although only Muggles reads it. I mean New Hampshire isn’t fucking Indiana.) but it’s too late now. You’ll start packing your few belongings into your rucksack and hit the road, trudging towards civilization which, last you checked, was located just beyond the nearest New Hampshire border.

When you get there you’ll hear stories of rampant bear rape throughout the area you’ve been living, with cases stretching back almost four months. You’ll be shocked and wounded. But it’ll be balanced out, because you just emerged from a cave and found out we have a black president, which will be an incredibly cool feeling.

Congratulations on Emerging From Your Cave! We wish it could’ve worked out differently. Like with you and Muggles selling furniture in Hackensack. But such is love.