Congratulations on Meeting Your Favorite Stand-Up Comedian!

You’re an elderly man who lives in the middle of Wyoming and, as a result, you’re pretty racist and aren’t really up on current events. Even if you’d been exposed to people like Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan you never really would’ve appreciated them because of the color divide and their baggy clothes, or in Chris Rock’s case his fancy suit.

Because of this crippling racism you have trouble watching TV since every five minutes a “god damn negro” as you so aptly put it, shows up on the screen and you’re forced to leave the building as you let loose an inexplicable stream of curses and wails. And God help us all if you see an Asian person on your cathode ray screen.

So in the twilight of your years you’ve had to find new entertainment. Mostly this consists of you sitting outside of a general store or by the side of a road, chain smoking and acting out old television sketches in your head from back in the day when only white people were on the tee-vee.

You have two fantasies you constantly come back to: Friends and the works of comedian Yakov Smirnov.

In each of these dreams you’re surrounded by the entertainers you love as you drink coffee and smoke cigarettes together, talking about the superiority of the white race. It’s a little unnerving, to be honest, and we feel sort of dirty just knowing you think these thoughts.

But they give you great comfort, these tiny realms within your mind where only you and the celebrities you’ve interpreted as being as racist as you are, rather than just disconnected from reality, are together in a moment of eternal bliss.

Well, we hope you’re ready to see your dream come true, because this Wednesday while you’re waiting by the side of the road, Yakov Smirnov is going to be driving by in his Yugo. Or trying to drive by, anyway.

His engine is going to catch fire when his car approaches you (a common defect of the Yugo) and he’s going to roll from the smoking wreckage, asking if you know where to find a mechanic.

You’ll recognize him immediately.

“You’re that fucking funny Ruskie,” you’ll say after shifting your chaw to the side of your mouth.

He’ll nod and say “Da” comically, then ask again if there’s a mechanic where he can get his Yugo fixed.

You’ll nod solemnly and lead him away, doing everything you can to conceal the pitter patter of your racing heart. You’ll walk him to your house, telling him it’s a “family garage.” Then, when you invite him to inspect the “garage,” which is just your carport, you’ll hit him on the back of the head with a shovel, knocking him unconscious (you’re super old, but all that hate has kept you strong).

When he comes to he’ll be tied to a chair in your basement where you’ll be sitting across from him. He’ll be forced to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes with you then discuss various topics, mostly about the way things are going in the world outside Wyoming (better than they are in Wyoming is the consensus).

This will continue for many years until he earns enough of your trust to have his bonds loosened and he kills you with a screwdriver. However, it will be the most attention he’s received in almost a decade so in a way your horrible crime is sort of a public service.

Congratulations on Meeting Your Favorite Stand-Up Comedian!