Congratulations on Becoming the New Teen-Wolf!

Michael J. Fox has been going through a lot of shit lately, and we’re all sort of lucky that Jason Bateman stepped away from the mantle after his attempt (nothing against Mr. Bateman as an actor, just the film). As such the world has been without an iconic Teen Wolf to help insure that the American public knows that not all teenage werewolves are to be feared. Many can be relied upon to teach us lessons that relate to our own lives, lessons about growing up, puberty, aggression issues and lycanthropy.

That isn’t to say that teenage werewolves have up and stopped existing the world over. Sweden is rife with those motherfuckers, and there’s a reason you don’t trust teenagers in Hamburg. And don’t even get me started on what’s going on in Tokyo.

But I digress: kids coming of age everywhere are still being bitten by their friends and becoming nightmarish creatures bent on devouring flesh, fucking and howling at the moon. The problem is that the media just isn’t interested in looking at it in a positive light. All they want to discuss the livestock slaughtered or the elderly women raped.

They don’t want to talk about the high school junior who just finished putting in eighty hours of community service with Habitat for Humanity and happens to be a werewolf in an emotionally stable, rewarding, monogamous relationship. That's where you come in.

You’ve been dealing with your lycanthropy alright for a while now, ever since you got it from your uncle when he tried to molest you. Your parents are supportive, you’re seeing a counselor, and you’ve stopped trying to treat it. You’ve just accepted that it’s a part of your life the same way your dad did with his three pound benign brain tumor.

But you’ve been taking the quiet, private approach to the whole affair. Come tomorrow, after you totally bone your girlfriend and her parents flip you’re going to be forced into the media spotlight without your consent. We just want you to make the most of it.

Your girlfriend’s dad is going to show up on camera tonight with the tagline “Father of Young Woman Savaged by Horny Wolf-Man” and you’ll catch his whole segment on the news. You’ll see how he refuses to let his daughter speak, how he makes false claims and tells the cameras that you, the young man he called son less than a month ago, were never anything more than an aberration in his eyes.

You’ll tear up a little. Being a werewolf doesn’t make you any of less of a sensitive teen, and it’ll be a tough time for you where you’ll learn a lot about betrayal and people doing whatever they can to get their fifteen minutes.

But your mom will have an idea. She’ll say that if the media met her son they’d understand just how incredible you are. She’ll schedule a rebuttal interview with a rival network the next day and give you some light coaching for the rest of the night.

When you show up on camera as a polite, articulate representative of lycanthropes everywhere your girlfriend’s dad won’t be able to chain her to a wall (the way you do in order to avoid murdering people during your transformations) to keep her away. She’ll be on your doorstep hugging you and your parents will start working out guardianship issues.

Within twenty-four hours you’ll be catapulted into international fame. Things will get a little tense when fan letters start arriving and the relationship goes through ups and downs on that front, but we’d rather not discuss that right now. Right now we’d just like to say congratulations on becoming the new Teen-Wolf! Mr. Fox would be proud.