Congratulations on Realizing Your Dream!

You’re one of those Goth teens who’s decided that she hates her name and selected a new one like Parsley or Timberline or Tiki Inn or some shit. You dislike everything your parents love, and since your mom and dad both purposefully relocated to Los Angeles that means ambition, America, mild, almost indefinable seasons and Mexicans.

You also really like vampires. As such you’ve made the same, obvious choice that so many girls your age have made: you’ve moved to Sweden!

You’ll arrive next week, and things we’ll be rough at first. You won’t have any work papers, which will prevent you from working as anything but a child prostitute. Unfortunately, unlike in L.A., child prostitution is pretty well illegal in Sweden and there are plenty of legally aged hotties regulated by the government and trained in secret Swedish sex camps (real thing, look it up) to keep the local citizenry occupied so that won’t work out.

Luckily Sweden is pretty laid back so you’ll have no trouble finding a rocking squat just outside of Stockholm and plenty of change to buy potatoes and sausage and some sort of white fish that you can’t pronounce the name of. As such you’ll have no trouble sustaining yourself until the incredibly friendly Swedish government processes your last minute work permit.

Once the permit is in place you’ll still have trouble finding a job, just because, by Swedish standards, you’re fairly unattractive and kind of a bitch because of your American upbringing. You also have no previous experience and you’re fifteen.

Luckily the government will continue to support you for some time, long enough, at least, for you to fulfill the other half of your dream: meeting a group of friendly vampires who need a personal assistant.

Thus will begin your life with Baron Gustav von Olaf and his merry band. It’s going to be a super hot teen sex romp until they savage you, consume you for sustenance and raise you as their new sister. Then your awesome unlife will begin, where you roll on E all the time, attend raves and engage in consequence free sex.

Congratulations on realizing your dream! We’re all so proud of you!