Congratulations, Dumptruck!

You’re an overweight fratboy who will eat almost anything and has a huge, forbidden crush on his roommate, Craig. The forbidden part just makes the crush oh so much worse, because you pine and pine and pine and make him macaroni cards and he just keeps pretending not to find them. Sure, you occasionally blow each other at night, but it’s not the same and he refuses to say your name until he’s coming.

But tonight’s prediction isn’t about relationship closure. It’s about your uncle, McGillicutty, who is going to die on Saturday morning.

McGillicutty McGillicutty (your name is Dumptruck McGillicutty) was an unfortunately named eccentric trilionaire who will leave you his giant mansion in his will. He always connected with you (he was super, super gay) and he wanted you to have a place where you could feel at home so you wouldn’t spend a lifetime accumulating empty promises and worthless money all the while simply longing for a sanctuary where you could be true to yourself.

So on Saturday night you and your frat buddies are going to go to his purportedly haunted mansion filled with dozens of couples of super, super gay animals. It will have been stipulated that you and at least one male friend must have a sleepover there in order to receive the property for “reasons you know all too well already, but need to get comfortable with.”

Everything will be going great, and the night will proceed in the form of a raging kegger (or whatever you fucking kids call it) instead of the tender coming out he wanted it to be, but his ghost will be cool with it. As will the dozen or so other ghosts inhabiting the mansion, notably including author Oscar Wilde and the ghost of the real Tom Cruise.

But as the evening progresses a series of horrifying murders will begin to take place. At first people will suggest it is ghosts or some supernatural force, but you’re smarter than that (you just have terrible self-esteem) so instead of falling into a clichéd horror plot you’ll call the cops. They’ll catch Gregory, your frat president, stabbing Stan, the frat treasurer, in the bathroom.

It will have all been part of an elaborate power grab so that Gregory could take complete control of the frat (Gregory doesn’t have much of a social life outside of the fraternity) and you’ll have foiled it.

In honor of your achievement you’ll be named frat president. This will begin a series of events that will eventually lead to you coming out and reforming your frat into a gay rights advocacy group. We don’t want to ruin the surprise on how that turns out, though. So we’ll just end it here by saying congratulations, Dumptruck!