Congratulations on Giving Blood!

Tonight is going to be one hell of a Saturday night for you. In fact, you might consider just singing the song right now to get in the mood. Ready?

S-A-T-U-R D-A-Y NIGHT!

Nice.

That’s pretty much how it’ll go, all 80s hits and booze. You’ll hop from overpriced bar to overpriced bar, from Fenway to Cambridge and back again, until you finally come to rest at a small, run down little place in JP.

You’ll be too deep in to remember the name of the place, but once you reach there you’ll meet an attractive young woman in a lime green tank top. She’ll be deathly pale, but that’s kind of your thing so the two of you will end up going home together.

The next day when you wake up she’ll still be in your bed. You’re in sales, so this is strange enough, but there will also be tinfoil on all of your windows. Unsure, you’ll rise from your bed, feeling a strange nausea which increased with every step.

You’ll start to reach towards the tinfoil, to pull a piece off and see just what time it is, but before you touch it the girl will be upon you. Her arms will be wrapped all around, holding you back.

“No,” she’ll whisper, soft and harsh into your ear. Then she’ll sink her teeth into your neck and you’ll jizz your pants and pass out.

This isn’t that unusual for you, but when you wake up you’ll still be aroused. That’s beyond unusual for you. You were actually driven to pursue a high paying business career because of your embarrassingly serious impotence.

It’s because you’re a vampire now. She was a vampire who was turned in the 80s and had a serious thing for the fashion and music of that period.

Try to enjoy yourself, since vampire sex is fucking amazing. And congratulations on giving blood. Get it? It wasn’t consensual!