During a freak accident in a factory where you work your penis is going to be caught in a set of very well lubricated, surprisingly soft gears. At the same time a fan belt which snapped during the accident will wrap around your neck and start to pull you upwards, partially restricting the flow of oxygen to your brain.
The motion of the gears will force you in and out without tearing off your dick, which is super implausible. At the same time the motion will pull you down and push you back, slackening the fan belt and allowing just enough blood into your brain to keep you conscious.
It’ll be the single most pleasant experience of your life, and you’ll ejaculate three times before you’re finally rescued and hospitalized. You’ll feel like you discovered an important part of yourself, a fundamental truth that you would’ve spent your entire life denying had you discovered it any other way.
Now if only you could find a partner who would choke you during coitus. Or a partner at all.
Congratulations on Finding Out You Like Being Choked!
Showing posts with label surprise sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label surprise sex. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Congratulations on Your Viking Funeral!
You’re not entirely to blame, to be fair. When you requested a Viking funeral you just meant you wanted to be set on fire on top of a giant pile of sticks. You didn’t want your friends and extended family to assemble with a collection of barbaric weapons and charge headlong into a series of daring raids into other suburban neighborhoods so they could bring back their victims and rape them by the light of your pyre.
But come your spectacular funeral Wednesday night that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Six soccer moms and three priests are going to be thoroughly (and somewhat enjoyably, but in a weird kind of embarrassing way) violated by the incredibly drunk assemblage of people who will have convened to see you off to the next life. Seven police officers will also be hospitalized after trying, unsuccessfully, to halt the tide of human violence spilling out from your giant backyard and into the surrounding community.
Come the next day everyone will be really embarrassed by the whole affair, too embarrassed to even discuss it one another. They’ll just go get tested for STDs individually (which is what responsible adults do) and drink lots of water so that they feel a little bit less like they got super wasted and pillaged and raped their neighbors the previous evening.
On the upside the local news will do a piece about your unusual funeral. But as usual they’ll cut out the most interesting bits, specifically the parts about how everything went crazy and how your next three grandchildren were conceived by indeterminate parents.
Congratulations on Your Viking Funeral!
But come your spectacular funeral Wednesday night that’s exactly what’s going to happen. Six soccer moms and three priests are going to be thoroughly (and somewhat enjoyably, but in a weird kind of embarrassing way) violated by the incredibly drunk assemblage of people who will have convened to see you off to the next life. Seven police officers will also be hospitalized after trying, unsuccessfully, to halt the tide of human violence spilling out from your giant backyard and into the surrounding community.
Come the next day everyone will be really embarrassed by the whole affair, too embarrassed to even discuss it one another. They’ll just go get tested for STDs individually (which is what responsible adults do) and drink lots of water so that they feel a little bit less like they got super wasted and pillaged and raped their neighbors the previous evening.
On the upside the local news will do a piece about your unusual funeral. But as usual they’ll cut out the most interesting bits, specifically the parts about how everything went crazy and how your next three grandchildren were conceived by indeterminate parents.
Congratulations on Your Viking Funeral!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Congatulations on Cleaning Out Your Fridge!
Many’s the day you’ve spent dreading this task, and it’ll be all the worse for the wasted time. It was pretty bad to start with, a minefield of hummus and cottage cheese from the 1970s, but that’s what happens when you rent in Tucson.
So today you’ll borrow your cousin’s hazmat suit, put it on incorrectly and begin throwing away various food items that, to the best of your knowledge, have been there since the house was constructed.
It’ll go alright, except for one part where something corrosive gets through the suit and on to your skin. That’ll burn horribly and fill the suit with a revolting smell, like rotten cabbage and vomit mixed together. It’ll make you barf, which will help because as an alcoholic you find the odor of your own vomit soothing, but the entire affair will be grisly, if less so then you imagined.
That is, until the end. As you turn your back to haul out the trash bag filled with shit that belongs in a medical waste container a leafy green tendril of ooze and vegetable matter will slither from the back of your fridge and wrap itself around your torso. Then it will pull you back into the fridge where you’ll discover first hand what goes on in there when the door is closed.
Congratulations on Cleaning Out Your Fridge!
So today you’ll borrow your cousin’s hazmat suit, put it on incorrectly and begin throwing away various food items that, to the best of your knowledge, have been there since the house was constructed.
It’ll go alright, except for one part where something corrosive gets through the suit and on to your skin. That’ll burn horribly and fill the suit with a revolting smell, like rotten cabbage and vomit mixed together. It’ll make you barf, which will help because as an alcoholic you find the odor of your own vomit soothing, but the entire affair will be grisly, if less so then you imagined.
That is, until the end. As you turn your back to haul out the trash bag filled with shit that belongs in a medical waste container a leafy green tendril of ooze and vegetable matter will slither from the back of your fridge and wrap itself around your torso. Then it will pull you back into the fridge where you’ll discover first hand what goes on in there when the door is closed.
Congratulations on Cleaning Out Your Fridge!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!
It’s been a long life-journey, but you’ve finally made it to the big leagues. After attaining your graduate degree in villainy (undergraduate degree in political science and chemistry) and enduring a two year stint as a “second” to Dr. Deathclaw, a prominent bay area super-villain you’ve finally got your own practice.
You’ll be starting out in Billings next week, going up against a group of neo-survivalist “heroes” who still perceive communism as a serious threat to America. It’s not a big gig, but considering that Dr. Deathclaw’s whole shtick was opposing gay rights it’s a lot more up your wheelhouse than your apprenticeship was.
Your name, by the way, is Gold Gorilla, and you believe passionately that socialized medicine needs to be instituted on a national scale. Your overlong explanation is that during villain school your roommate transformed you into a large, blonde gorilla (true!) and that you couldn’t receive treatment for this condition because you lacked insurance (partially true).
This will immediately draw the ire of the Survival Rangers, as the Montanan heroes call themselves. Unfortunately for these heroes you’ll be the first villain they ever face, and it won’t go well for them. When they track you to your lair, a beautifully rendered piece of jungle, they’ll then attempt to use skeletal lamping techniques to flush you from your woodland paradise. They’re serious dicks.
However, since you aren’t a mindless animal you’ll avoid the lamps easily and kill four of their five-man band with a combination of rocks and your bare hands. Then you’ll violently sodomize the last member before spitting on him and leaving him there, stripped of his weapons and without any means of communication, to drag himself back to civilization, humiliated and defeated.
As he lays there bleeding you’ll bend over and whisper into his ear “Better find a doctor.” Contextually, it’ll be fucking awesome.
After that you’ll assemble four fence posts around your compound and lash the battered corpses of your enemies to them. In addition to being a tasteful yard decoration, you hope that this will also deter future bands of heroes since even though you’re a vicious psychopath you don’t actually enjoy murdering people over differences in ideology, and you’d just like to see this country get its act together and catch up with Europe on this whole healthcare thing.
Once the Consortium of Villains hears about your stunning premier performance they’ll send you a pair of solid gold gauntlets that weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of three hundred pounds and give you a new name: Solid Gold Gorilla.
Enjoy the promotion and keep fighting the good fight. Also, try to avoid dying in an ironic way. That’s how most people will be trying to kill you from here on out. And congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!
You’ll be starting out in Billings next week, going up against a group of neo-survivalist “heroes” who still perceive communism as a serious threat to America. It’s not a big gig, but considering that Dr. Deathclaw’s whole shtick was opposing gay rights it’s a lot more up your wheelhouse than your apprenticeship was.
Your name, by the way, is Gold Gorilla, and you believe passionately that socialized medicine needs to be instituted on a national scale. Your overlong explanation is that during villain school your roommate transformed you into a large, blonde gorilla (true!) and that you couldn’t receive treatment for this condition because you lacked insurance (partially true).
This will immediately draw the ire of the Survival Rangers, as the Montanan heroes call themselves. Unfortunately for these heroes you’ll be the first villain they ever face, and it won’t go well for them. When they track you to your lair, a beautifully rendered piece of jungle, they’ll then attempt to use skeletal lamping techniques to flush you from your woodland paradise. They’re serious dicks.
However, since you aren’t a mindless animal you’ll avoid the lamps easily and kill four of their five-man band with a combination of rocks and your bare hands. Then you’ll violently sodomize the last member before spitting on him and leaving him there, stripped of his weapons and without any means of communication, to drag himself back to civilization, humiliated and defeated.
As he lays there bleeding you’ll bend over and whisper into his ear “Better find a doctor.” Contextually, it’ll be fucking awesome.
After that you’ll assemble four fence posts around your compound and lash the battered corpses of your enemies to them. In addition to being a tasteful yard decoration, you hope that this will also deter future bands of heroes since even though you’re a vicious psychopath you don’t actually enjoy murdering people over differences in ideology, and you’d just like to see this country get its act together and catch up with Europe on this whole healthcare thing.
Once the Consortium of Villains hears about your stunning premier performance they’ll send you a pair of solid gold gauntlets that weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of three hundred pounds and give you a new name: Solid Gold Gorilla.
Enjoy the promotion and keep fighting the good fight. Also, try to avoid dying in an ironic way. That’s how most people will be trying to kill you from here on out. And congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!
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