Congratulations Martini Martins!

Your name is whispered with a heady mix of wonderment and fear in bars throughout the northeast.  Martini Martins is a name to know, a face to recognize, a living legend, walking shadow.

But fame has a way of creeping up on you and turning from favor to curse.  So tonight when you roll into a pub outside of Portsmouth, New Hampshire and everyone puts a napkin over the top of their drink, you’ll know that your reputation as the most prolific date rapist in recent memory will have caught up with you.

“Oh my,” you’ll murmur to yourself.  You’ll wonder, for a moment, if you’re not going to get laid tonight after all.  But after five minutes of standing stock still and letting your eyes dart about in a wild, fiendish frenzy an attractive woman will walk past you and wink at you.  After that you’ll know that you’re going to do alright.

You’ll follow her to the bar and lean in next to her, asking her name.

“Chartreuse,” she’ll lie.  You’ll believe her.

“What a colorful name,” you’ll all but shout in an effort to impress her.  She’ll respond by backing away slightly, her seemingly unflappable smile flapping for a moment.

“Okay,” she’ll murmur.  Then she’ll get back into her stride and, four shots later, maneuver a dose of rohypnol into your drink.  After that you’ll be putty in her hands.

By “you’ll be putty in her hands” we mean “she’ll take you to a warehouse where her and a number of your previous date rape victims will take turns violently sodomizing you with a series of fiendishly constructed strap-on dildos.  When you finally come to, it will be in mid-buttfuck, and your ass will be terribly sore.

“Oh my,” you’ll weakly whisper to yourself as a young woman named Barbara who was once date raped by you pulls your hair and laughs as she ploughs you from behind.

“The tables have turned,” you’ll weakly observe before you begin weeping uncontrollably.

Congratulations Martini Martins!

Congratulations Happy Gimp!

Most gimps are sad. Or if they’re not sad they seem sad all the time. It’s a by-product of the fact that they’re always wearing those masks, which give them neutral facial expression that could potentially be interpreted as frowns under the best of circumstances. And the fact that they’re almost exclusively employed so that they can be fucked up the ass.

But every once in a while the sun comes out in Seattle, and every once in a great while a basement bound ass-toy clad in leather is taken for a walk during that day. And today is going to be that day for you.

As you tromp around town in your black leather cat-suit you’ll feel the heat work into your bones. You’ll feel the sun energize you, energize the world around you. It’ll feel like a rebirth, a second chance at life. It’ll feel divine.

As you’re lead around on your leash you’ll feel at peace for the first time in months. Sure, things will be bad sometimes, like when people forget to give you food and water or when your anus is improperly treated after a particularly vigorous customer stops by. But today life will be good, and you’ll be able to revel in just being out and about before you’re taken by to your basement where you’re going to be viciously and repeatedly sodomized by anyone with enough money to afford it.

Congratulations Happy Gimp!

Congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!

It’s been a long life-journey, but you’ve finally made it to the big leagues. After attaining your graduate degree in villainy (undergraduate degree in political science and chemistry) and enduring a two year stint as a “second” to Dr. Deathclaw, a prominent bay area super-villain you’ve finally got your own practice.

You’ll be starting out in Billings next week, going up against a group of neo-survivalist “heroes” who still perceive communism as a serious threat to America. It’s not a big gig, but considering that Dr. Deathclaw’s whole shtick was opposing gay rights it’s a lot more up your wheelhouse than your apprenticeship was.

Your name, by the way, is Gold Gorilla, and you believe passionately that socialized medicine needs to be instituted on a national scale. Your overlong explanation is that during villain school your roommate transformed you into a large, blonde gorilla (true!) and that you couldn’t receive treatment for this condition because you lacked insurance (partially true).

This will immediately draw the ire of the Survival Rangers, as the Montanan heroes call themselves. Unfortunately for these heroes you’ll be the first villain they ever face, and it won’t go well for them. When they track you to your lair, a beautifully rendered piece of jungle, they’ll then attempt to use skeletal lamping techniques to flush you from your woodland paradise. They’re serious dicks.

However, since you aren’t a mindless animal you’ll avoid the lamps easily and kill four of their five-man band with a combination of rocks and your bare hands. Then you’ll violently sodomize the last member before spitting on him and leaving him there, stripped of his weapons and without any means of communication, to drag himself back to civilization, humiliated and defeated.

As he lays there bleeding you’ll bend over and whisper into his ear “Better find a doctor.” Contextually, it’ll be fucking awesome.

After that you’ll assemble four fence posts around your compound and lash the battered corpses of your enemies to them. In addition to being a tasteful yard decoration, you hope that this will also deter future bands of heroes since even though you’re a vicious psychopath you don’t actually enjoy murdering people over differences in ideology, and you’d just like to see this country get its act together and catch up with Europe on this whole healthcare thing.

Once the Consortium of Villains hears about your stunning premier performance they’ll send you a pair of solid gold gauntlets that weigh somewhere in the neighborhood of three hundred pounds and give you a new name: Solid Gold Gorilla.

Enjoy the promotion and keep fighting the good fight. Also, try to avoid dying in an ironic way. That’s how most people will be trying to kill you from here on out. And congratulations Solid Gold Gorilla!