Congratulations You Fat Mess!

You’re a 26 year-old office temp who’s never seen a naked woman in person. It’d be kind of sad, but most of your nights are split between self-abuse and self-pity, which just makes it hard to sympathize with you.

But lately there’s this rocking girl named Kara who’s been flirting with you on the bus. Kara is blind as shit, so she has no idea that you’re a whale of a man with a face that could turn a frog to stone. She just thinks you’re a sensitive guy who’s been hurt too many times.

In most cases she’d be right, and this would be a beautiful Oscar-Wao-With-A-Happy-Ending love story. But you’re not that nice a guy. You’re just quiet and introverted because you have no other way to be. Given half a chance you’d be a douchey frat boy dick.

But because you have C cups and the pugnacious prowess of a baby bird you’re an affable young man, skilled at conversation only when the people he’s engaged with don’t make eye contact.

Still, Kara has slowly and surely been making you a better person. Each morning on the commute from your parent’s house (where you are ridiculed subtly for your weight) to your interminable temp job (which definitely isn’t helping you become a better human being) you look forward to your brief, lighthearted conversations with Kara.

Which is why it’s going to be your single happiest moment when Kara up and asks you on a date tomorrow. She’s been dropping subtle hints for you to do it for some time now, but you’re a clueless fuck with no courage so you’ve missed no shortage of chances by this point. Finally she’ll be so frustrated with you that she’ll just up and ask you out for drinks.

You’ll stammer like an idiot and make some retarded reference to Gundam or some shit before you finally manage to say sure and get her to write down her cell number. She’ll be smiling coyly the whole time, satisfied that she’s made you squirm so with her kindness.

It’ll make her feel like she’s got a lot of power in the relationship, and rightly so. She’s incredibly hot and you can barely form a sentence when you look straight at her. She’ll feel safe and secure in having you around, and when you show up at the bar, dressed extra nice even though she can’t see you at all she’ll laugh at the feel of your seersucker shirt.

After three beers she’ll ask you back to her apartment. You normally don’t drink, so you’ll be mad tips by the time you get through her door. After you exchange a few awkward sentences with her you’ll lunge forward and plant a super weird kiss on her lips.


She’ll freak and push you away, but you’re heavy enough that she’ll have trouble and oblivious enough that you won’t be able to take the hint. You’ll keep pushing your face awkwardly against her protesting lips. After you land a few more smooches she’ll hit you in the balls as hard as you can in your groin.

You’ll drop like a three hundred pound sack of rocks and she’ll step over your body, feeling her way towards a phone so she can call 9-1-1. But because of the booze you won’t be down long.

Ere long you’ll be up again, and you’ll start hitting her. Hard. When the cops arrive you’ll be hunched over her bruised form, blood all over your hands. You’ll be in prison within hours.

Your trial will come swift and end with your confession. You’ll have a minimum of three years in prison, a heavy sentence for someone like you. You’ll write Kara a letter apologizing profusely, never realizing that she won’t be able to read it herself.

You’ll keep writing all through your sentence. You’ll also be raped repeatedly in both your anus and your mouth.

It’s going to be a rough few years. But if you start exercising and just try to be a better person in general you might find that you leave that prison a much better person than you were when you went in. Also, you should get some sort of sweet prison tat while you’re at it. Chicks dig ink.

So congratulations you fat mess. It might seem unpleasant, but it’s quite an opportunity. Not everyone gets a chance to learn just who they really are.