We’d like to say that we’ll share your shock when Craig hits you in the back of the head with the shovel. We’d love to say that we too believed with all our hearts that he loved you, that he took your virginity with the best of intentions, that he left his ex for you because of genuine emotions he had for you and that he truly saw a diamond in the rough.
But high school is a cruel place and it’s a place that Craig thrives in, with his feathered hair and swimmer’s build. Pretty soon he’ll be in college and following an explosive first two weeks of sexual activity he’ll be reviled as “that douche bag with no personality” and then you’ll be out on top as the smart, pretty girl who just isn’t that in to tanning.
But right now you’ve got more immediate concerns. Right now you’re trapped in a chest that, until a few minutes ago, was filled with some dead Dutchman’s gold. You’ve got zero bars on your cell, limited air, and you can hear Craig and his ex laughing as they pile dirt on top of your seemingly shrinking box.
We know you want to just wallow in jealousy, but there will be plenty of time for that when you’re at home with ice cream instead of trapped underground, slowly dying. We just hope this teaches you to be more cautious in matters of the heart and doesn’t make you feel down about yourself at all.
You really are a wonderful girl, and the joke will be on Craig when his “ex” shoots him non-fatally and leaves him on the side of the road with a roll of quarters and a used condom from her real boyfriend.
So if you get out of there alive you can definitely lord that over him. Congratulations on being buried alive, anyways. We’re all rooting for you here.
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