Congratulations on Seeing Daft Punk Live!

You’re a professional killer and you’re really into your work. Unfortunately this means you don’t get out too much. It’s been half a decade since you went out on a date and even though you travel a lot you almost never sight see. Even when you do you don’t get to pick where you tour. The last time you went to a museum was when you strangled someone in the bathroom of the Louvre, and you had to clear out in a hurry so the only exhibit you were interested in that you got a chance to see was some Roman sculpture.

So you spend a lot of your time between jobs depressed. You read a lot and drink alone and build your Netflix queue which you barely get a chance to watch anymore. You’d probably be suicidal if you didn’t spend all of your time dealing with death and understand how ugly and final it was.

But you just don’t see a way out. You just feel so passive all of the time, only leaving the house when you need to kill someone for someone else or when you need groceries or the takeout place won’t deliver.

But come Saturday you’re going to be flying to France to kill someone and, following your preliminary research you’re going to find the perfect place for the hit which happens to also be a live performance of one of your favorite bands ever.

Turns out Daft Punk is totally playing a show in Cannes, and the old VP of a huge American automobile manufacturer is a huge fan. He’s going to be there with a light security contingent and the current VP wants to be sure that he can’t bring up any dirt or fuck his ex-wife again if he rolls into town with his close-cropped hair and devilish sense of humor and incredibly large payout from leaving the company.

As such you’re going to kill him with a tricky little poison dart and sit back and enjoy the show, chancing a retaliation or a strike from one of your many competitors.

Just so you know, it’s going to go off without a hitch and they’re totally going to play a really neat remix of your favorite song, which is Around the World, as an encore. Sorry if that ruined the suspense for you, but we wanted to be sure you’d stay for the entire show instead of splitting early under the misguided premise that the Cannes police actually give a shit about murders in their area.

Have fun and be sure to tell your therapist how good it feels. That might help her give you some better advice and work up the courage to jump your bones. You’re really lonely and she really likes you so you could totally use the action.

Congratulations on seeing Daft Punk live!