Congratulations on Your Upcoming Attendance at a Charlie Daniel's Band Concert!

We’d like to say you’ve been looking forward to this, but it is at best a flailing attempt to get back at your bitch of an ex. Her breakup timing was just terrible and she didn’t handle the situation well at all.

But you knew the one thing you could do to drive her fucking crazy would be to go see Charlie Daniel’s Band and tell her they were “okay, I guess” afterwards. You knew it would make her bristle, turn bright red and give you a little power again.

Imagine your surprise when you told her and she smiled.

“Good,” she said. “It’s good that you’re trying new things.”

You bit your lip and decided to go anyways. You weren’t in a place to find a date inside of the week so you scalped one ticket outside to four hundred pound man with a homeless beard and then went in and stood right in front of the stage.

You’ll barely survive the ensuring “music.” During an impromptu, highly energetic performance of Devil Went Down to Georgia your ear drums will rupture and you’ll black out on the floor. Seven other attendees will share your fate and one elderly man will die where he stands, bleeding out of his face because of the sonic assault that is the Charlie Daniel's Band.

Paramedics will drag you out of there, unconscious along with all the others. You’ll wake up in transit to the E.R. sharing the back of the ambulance with a body bag and the only thing you’ll be able to think of is how you’ll get your car back the next morning. Then you'll realize that this is your biggest concern and feel super depressed about that, too.

We’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that you sold that ticket to the scary old dude way below cost and lost almost $100 on this nightmare of a night, and that's before ambulance charges recieved through your sub-standard insurance. So congratulations on your upcoming attendance at a Charlie Daniel’s Band Concert. Fate might be malleable, so you might want to feign illness and sell the tickets on e-Bay instead of not being able to let go of your tortuous previous relationship. Just a thought.