Congratulations on Your New Friend!

Ever since you moved to New York you’ve been having trouble meeting people. Not encountering them, mind you. You ride the subway and walk everywhere, just like every other clueless hipster twenty-something. Occasionally you’re jumped or sidelined by a con artist or the con artist’s more legitimate cousin, the canvasser.

The point is that your life is lousy with people. Work and your commute, your bi-weekly Thai food runs, all of these introduce interesting characters into your life, some you want, some you don’t want. But they don’t make you feel any less alone.

You, like most young professionals who do little aside from drink, fuck and run, have a lot of trouble making long lasting personal connections. We don’t just mean relationships. Those are bad enough. But you can’t even sustain a friendship. The closest thing you have to a friend right now is a barista who spits in your coffee every day.

His name is Saul, by the way. You’ve never taken the time to ask.

But don’t despair. Change is just around the bend, just as the fortune cookie you had last night from that pretentious ass Chinese place in the Upper East Side said.

Tomorrow evening you’ll drinking at some expensive ass bar filled with absolute douche bags when an amazing young woman will walk up to you. Her name will be Sarah, and she’ll be one of the most incredible people you’ve ever met.

She’ll listen to all of your lengthy stories with great interest, recalling details from the more boring parts throughout the night. She’ll be able to match your wit barb for barb and, even though you can tell she’d be able to easily outstrip you in any kind of verbal duel, she’ll never make you feel dull or slow.

Eventually, after hours of the most genuine and interesting conversation you’ve had in years, you’ll ask her if she’d like to come back to your place and she’ll acquiesce, happily.

In case you haven’t gathered, she’s a prostitute. When she gets to your house she’ll start talking prices with you, and you’ll be taken aback by it. She’ll start laughing at your genuine interest and you, not wanting to be left out, will laugh too.

Then she’ll withdraw a folding razor from her purse and hold it against your testicles until you tell her which pocket your wallet is in. Then she’ll leave her calling card on your coffee table and tell you to look her up once you get a real job.

So how does this translate into you getting a new friend? Simple. She goes that bar a lot. You two will run into each other quite a bit, and you’ll form an awkward friendship that will one day blossom into you paying her for unsatisfactory sex. So congratulations on your new friend. If you didn’t live in New York there would not be a single interesting thing about you.