Congratulations Benedict Fucking Arnold!

Wow. Half the people in this office are prescient but we have to admit we really didn’t see this coming. Well, we didn’t see it coming until Gary’s eyes glazed over and he began to speak in a thundering voice which shook our bodies to their cores. Then it became readily apparent.

You’re an aspiring American figure skater who really wants to make it big, but you’re just not that talented at skating in an appropriately elaborate and effeminate fashion. As hard as you practice, as much as you study technique, you’re just not a great skater.

Part of it might be that you grew up in a town without skating rinks, or that you’re heterosexual. Your inherent fear of ice really doesn’t help either. But you try. You try really hard, and your teammates are willing to put up with your various handicaps because of your abundant spirit.

Or at least, they were until recently. But lately stress has been taking its toll on the lot of you. Harsh competition in an upcoming skating competition (we’d be more specific, but your sport of choice is incredibly boring) has had you all on edge, and your team’s advantage over other participants has been razor thin.

Which is why today when Reggie snaps at you in that really queeny way he has after you fuck up a triple sow-cow (Did we spell that right? Does it even matter?) you’re going to storm out and make a terrible decision.

You’re going to walk right out of your training center and into the rival training center across the street which contains the Finnish team. Those Finns will scoff at you as you walk in. After all, you’re a terrible skater. You don’t pose a threat to them, and you certainly couldn’t ever help them. And even if you could, why would you want to?

But, as everyone in the skating community knows, the Finnish coach used to work as a teen deprogrammer. He’s got the skills required to free you of your various absurd phobias, and you’ve got the information to make it worth his while.

You’ll lay it down for him. You’ll give away every last detail of the American routine in exchange for his services. You know you’ve got the spirit to be an amazing skater, you just need a clean slate and a mind that doesn’t surge to panic whenever your body approaches ice.

He’ll be intrigued and take you up on your offer. As a result the American team will have to rely on what makes our country great (flags, teamwork, immigrants, and fear of immigrants) to win the competition despite your efforts at sabotage. The Finns will be disappointed and decapitate you with piano wire in lieu of paying you, despite your remaining faithful to the deal.

The moral of the story here? Don’t trust anyone from Finland.

Congratulations Benedict Fucking Arnold!