Congratulations on Meeting Yule Brenner's Ghost!

You’ve always been a huge fan of Yule Brenner. And who can blame you? The King and I, The Magnificent Seven, both great films. According to Wikipedia he was also in something called The Ten Commandments, but people here at Sexy Results Future Agency have seen the face of god, and it isn’t represented by a bunch of judgmental tablets (hint for people who are curious: titties!) so we don’t really go in for that mumbo-jumbo.

But you seem to like him a little more than is healthy. To the point that you masturbate to his films. Nightly.

This makes you feel super close to the celebrated actor, but you’d like to be closer. That’s why, this Monday, you’re going to call in sick for tomorrow, hire a medium and call up your drug dealer and score some of the sweetest acid he can find. Then you’re going to sit down in your apartment with the two of them, the medium for spiritual reasons, the drug dealer for moral support (you two fuck a lot and cry together some times because the world is so big and bad and even nice sandle wearing drug dealers in San Francisco need someone to hold ‘em and let ‘em know it’s okay sometimes).

To prep, you’ll make some sweet ass hummus and pita chips in your oven then smoke a bowl together and watch The King and I. You know it by heart by now, so you’ll occasionally recite the film as it occurs, but your companions will be so baked that they won’t mind.

After the movie you’ll have a tepid three-some, enjoyable only because of the weed, and then you’ll begin the ceremony.

You’ll drop the acid, under your drug dealer’s supervision, and your medium will begin to channel Yule Brenner using your incense, your King and I DVD and the corpse of a rabbit.

At first you won’t think any of it’s working, but after about five minutes of listening to the medium do their thing you’ll start tripping balls and the room will fade away, stripped to blackness, and you’ll find yourself in an endless void sitting next to Yule Brenner’s ghost.

He’ll just be sitting there, smiling, meditating, and you’ll pop in next to him, horrified, screaming “What the fuck?”

He’ll just smile and tell you to be at peace, that there’s nothing to fear there. Then he’ll ask you why you’ve come, if there’s anything you’d like to say. But you won’t be able to think of a word.

It’s happened to the best of us when we meet people we admire. Just smile and tell him thanks for everything and it’ll all be okay. He’ll understand. He’s a lot like Buddha now. And congratulations on meeting Yule Brenner’s ghost. It’s for the best that it didn’t work out the way you planned.