Congratulations Axe Murderer!

You’re a sexy, sassy lady just like so many we’ve known before. And, like so many before you’ve been preyed on by men in the past. Your assertive nature and your good looks, mixed together, form a sort of “asshole lightning rod” which draws douchebags out of the woodwork so they can lick your boots until they’re in your good graces and then break your heart once they have access.

But a year and a half ago you decided you weren’t going to take it any more. One asshole ex (you think his name was Greg) just gave you too much shit for you to deal with it and you hefted your fire axe and took it to his skull.

You panicked at first, trying to figure out what you were going to do with the body and how you’d get rid of the blood and all that, but after four hours of panic you just decided to torch the whole place and be done with it.

It was the best decision you’ve ever made. After you emptied out both of your bank accounts and started living out of your Honda Accord you started feeling alive again. Truly alive. Each and every day was a bright and shining monument to your freedom and your strength as a woman.

Of course, that got old pretty quickly and before long you found yourself searching for purpose. You flirted with a few Eastern religions, but ere long your thoughts came back to the memory of your axe tearing through maybe-Greg’s skull and how amazing it felt.

Thus began your quest to avenge jilted women everywhere by murdering their asshole exes.

Over the last year and a half you’ve been making good time across the country, but last month you decided you needed a break. You rented a trailer from a place that took cash and set up shop in northern Minnesota, where no one would ever look. After all, who’d go to northern Minnesota unless they were born there? Only a crazy bitch who murders people with axes, that’s who.

Before long, though, old habits will catch up with you. Tonight you’re going to see a man and a woman arguing in a grocery store. It’ll seem violent to you, but to them it’s just playful. Once you see the man pay for their groceries you’ll assume that he’s a foul patriarch who loves nothing more than grinding down the soul of the woman who promised herself to him and you’ll follow them home to do your thing.

After they sit on the couch watching Everybody Loves Raymond together (something all couples who hate one another do, as you know from experience) they’ll begin their pre-bedtime ritual.

Halfway through their toothbrushing and before their almost mechanical bedtime sex you’ll burst through the front door with your axe and point to the husband, saying “you” in a deep, gravelly Christian Bale voice.

He’ll freak and shout at his wife to save herself. This should set off warning lights for you, but it won’t. Instead you’ll just advance on him menacingly, grinning as he tries to find another place to run.

You’ll be so absorbed in your work after your brief break that you won’t hear his wife shouting at you from behind to drop the fucking axe. You won’t hear her scream now. And you definitely won’t hear the report of the gunshot as she fires her Glock into your shoulder.

But you’ll feel the bullet’s impact, that’s for damn sure. It’ll knock you flat on your face and make you drop the axe. You’ll be stumbling back out the front door and towards your dirt stained Honda Accord before you know what’s happening, while the two of them dial 9-1-1 and cuddle, reassured now more than ever of their love.

You, however, will be left with a crisis of conscience. You nearly killed an innocent man tonight, simply because of your psychotic need to take life. You’ll strongly consider therapy as a means of dealing with this, but, you’ll think to yourself with a chuckle, axe murder doesn’t have very good health benefits.

You’ll also be super bummed that you lost your axe in their house. You’ll have a bad feeling that the cops will find some way to link that back to you.

On the upside you really helped that couple come together. Their lives are going to be great from here on out, and their already strong relationship is going to last for decades thanks to your intervention. So congratulations axe murderer! You had a good run, whatever choice you make from here on out.