Congratulations on Trying Ecstasy!

It’s wednesday night. You know what that means, don’t you? That’s right! It’s new drug night!

Ever since grandma died and left you that generous inheritance you’ve been searching for ways to spend it. You generally lack creativity, so finding ways to spend money is tough for you. You didn’t want to donate it to charity, since charities are for suckers. And you didn’t want to use it to help other people in small independent ways, since you think most people should go fuck themselves.

After a lot of soul searching you decided that you’d try a new drug substance each week to try and burn through it and keep your tax bracket low. You had a deeply unsatisfying undergraduate experience, so it wasn’t hard for you to find new things to try at first.

You’d never smoked weed, so you spent the first month and a half trying to differentiate different forms of marijuana. Hash, weed, shake, hash in food, shake in food, and weed in food all took up quite a bit of your time and, because weed is so wonderfully cheap, barely put a dent in your inheritance.

You decided to try absinthe the next week, which was a huge letdown. It got you pretty wasted, but drinking your way through a bottle of licorice flavored liquer by yourself isn’t really your idea of a good time, and the whole experience was kind of a bummer overall.

After that it was mushrooms, followed by acid, neither of which really did it for you. Your massive control issues prevented you from enjoying either of the experiences, so even though you had some pretty interesting reactions and ideas you couldn’t really appreciate them. As a result you swore yourself off halucinogens and moved right on to the coolest drug ever: cocaine.

Unfortunately, your sister was visiting that week and she video taped you trying coke. You got to see first hand just how big a douchebag it made you and that, paired with the memory of how cool you felt, made you feel like a giant tool for even trying it.

Now Tuesday is coming up once again and you’re without a new drug to try. You’re too much of a pussy to try heroin and too upscale to try crack or meth, but you still want to try something new. What’s an inheritance without something to spend it on, after all? Just money in the bank, and damned if you need any more of that.

But when you’re talking with your sister on the phone tonight she’ll mention a drug called “ecstasy” which makes the entire world seem better, and you’ll be intrigued. You’ll ask her how you can get some and she’ll walk you through the process, talking to the dealer on your cell phone during the buy.

When you get home you’ll drop the E alone and roll like a madman for five solid hours. When you’re finally done you’ll vomit a whole bunch, but you’ll have felt so good that you’ll give up on trying new drugs every week in favor of doing E.

This is how you’ll come to briefly be known as the king of the rave scene, lose your job, and eventually become clinically depressed. It’s a big week for you is all we’re saying. We hope you have a good time, and maybe learn a lesson about moderation before the end.

But we’ve seen the future and we know you won’t, so we’re just here to say congratulations on trying ecstasy. If you had someone to fuck it’ll feel even better, so we suggest that you try adding a hooker into the mix at some point before your grisly end, which will be arriving in around two months. Don’t miss it!