Congratulations on Erasing Your Mom's i-Pod!

When you sit down at your home computer and notice your mom’s i-Pod is plugged in you’ll start looking through her music. It’s only natural.

None of it will be too surprising, given her age and taste. There’ll be some KISS on there, a lot of the Scorpions. There’ll be some Zep, too, for good measure, and bunch of weird prog rock shit like Yes. Queen will be there too, to balance it out.

It’ll be so boring that it’ll remove the thrill from the whole invasion of privacy, so you’ll start picking through her personal files to try and find something interesting.

You’ll almost pray that she walks in on you then and there and gives you a break from your boredom, but she will never come. Instead you’ll be left to sift through her i-Pod’s storage space, looking for anything interesting.

Most of it will be dull shit, backup tax forms and love letters from your dad and the like. But after a brief search you’ll turn up her porn. You’ll feel a little bit awkward as you thumb through it, but your Saturday has been so god damn boring that you won’t be able to stop yourself from looking.

Most of it will be pretty vanilla, just standard guy on girl stuff. But as you go through subfolders labeled with the names of family pets you’ll discover caches of gangbang flicks and gay stuff.

One of these subfolders will be named after your current Labrador Retriever, Freckles, and will contain porn depicting something you’ll later learn is called “pegging.” There will be a shit-load of it.

You’ll watch a few videos briefly, just long enough to get the idea of what’s going on in each but the material will make you feel strangely aroused and at the same time afraid of your mother.

Within that folder will be another set of folders. They won’t be named after pets this time, thank god. They’ll just be labeled by letters. The thumbnails of one of them will show your dad with a woman behind him. You’ll assume it’s your mom and you’ll decide you don’t want look any closer.

But curiosity will force you to check that last folder.

They’ll all have the same woman in them, but each one will contain a different man. Your father won’t be in any of them.

You’ll close the folder right away and go into i-Tunes. Then you’ll scroll through the options and select reformatting. Then you’ll minimize the window and browse wikipedia, reading more about pegging and wishing you were old enough to drink.

Congratulations on Erasing Your Mom’s i-Pod!