Congratulations on Getting Your Dick Out of the Turkey!

You love Thanksgiving. Love it. More than anything else. You wish it could be every day, even though it would seem less special. That’s how much you love it.

It’s not because it brings families together. You don’t speak to your parents and your brother owes you several thousand dollars. Also, your uncle used to touch you and your aunt has been convinced you’ll turn out gay since you were eight.

And it isn’t the time off work. Without a rigorous daily schedule you’re just miserable. And you like providing mediocre support and service for insurance policy holders in the tri-county area.

Rather it’s the food. Not the mashed potatoes or the cranberries or any of that shit. Really it’s just the turkey. You love turkey so much that it’s all you ever want to eat.

The only reason you don’t eat turkey every day is because it costs too much, that and the fact that eating it every day would probably ruin it for you. But you do like to try and do different things with it.

You prepare it in interesting ways, like curry turkey. You stuff it with strange substances, like marmalade. You try different drugs and eat it under their influence. But there are only so many ways to piece these activities together and tomorrow, at the tender age of 36, you’ll feel that you’ve run out of new options.

You’ll be looking at your frozen turkey trying to figure out a new and fresh way you can enjoy it, but nothing will come to mind until you start scratching your genitals. Then it’ll dawn on you.

You’ll whip out your dick and start getting hard. It won’t take much. Once you get the idea in your head it’ll feel like your whole life has been leading up to this point. You’ll be up and inside of that turkey in a few seconds.

At first it’ll be okay, at best. But after a few seconds the cold, paired with the realization of what you’re doing, will really excite you. You won’t be able to stop yourself. You’ll get more and more violent until you thrust as hard as you can into the turkey’s carcass.

That last thrust will feel amazing, but when you try to pull back to get some more leverage it just won’t work. You’ll be stuck, fused to the turkey by the cold. It’ll actually feel amazing, even though it hurts a little. But you won’t be able to move at all and you’ll have a turkey on your penis, so you’ll have trouble enjoying it.

You’ll panic at first, slamming your groin into cabinets and walls try to free yourself. But in the end it will all be fruitless, and hurt a lot. You’ll eventually come to your senses and just sit down and wait six to eight hours for the turkey to defrost.

When you do get out of it you’ll consider some more circumspect ways to fuck turkeys, like thawing or cooking them first. We hope you either enjoy it or seek therapy. Maybe the latter, because otherwise you'll never find another source of joy in your life and you'll be dead at 55 with a belt around your neck and your dick in a jam stuffed turkey.

Anyhow, congratulations on getting your dick out of the turkey. This was a learning experience for all of us.