Congratulations on Flipping the Van!

Storm’s been a brewing for a while. Everyone’s just been waiting around for shit to change, for the world to get better, but not you. You’ve had just about enough, thank you very much, and you’re fucking sick of it.

So when you visit the corner store and they’re out of both Whatchamacallits, Corona and Lucky Strikes you’re going to jump across the country and smack the clerk in the fucking mouth when he asks if you’d like Marlboros instead. Then you’ll kick him and leap back over, shouting at the other customers to follow you.

You’ll storm out of the store and the customers, not wanting to miss whatever you’re going to do, will follow. The lot of you will spill out into the street and, following your lead, walk across the street to McDonalds where you’ll kick in the door, mob in tow, and storm up to the counter.

Ronald McDonald will be there, inexplicably polishing a glass. When you and your posse enter he’ll look up, like he’s ready for anything, like whatever shit you’re about to bring he can take it.

Clown boy will be wrong though. You’ll slap your hands on the counter, get his attention and he’ll say “Yes?” in his best What the fuck are you doing here? voice.

Your mouth will get real tight and you’ll pause for a moment, like you’re thinking about what you want to say to him, and then you’ll shake your head like you couldn’t find the words. In your mind you’ll be listing off grievances about how he treats his workers, children, and customers. You’ll want to scream that he’s ruining America and our image in the world.

You’ll want to say so much, but you know that almost anything at all would be too much. So you’ll punch him in the face, jump over the counter and kick his supine form for about a minute before you spit on him.

“Fuck you,” you’ll say as you turn to hop over the counter and your mob, except for a few people who rush the counter to get free burgers while McDonald is down, will follow you back out into the street.

When you get back out you’ll walk around aimlessly for a while, trying to remember if anywhere nearby sells Lucky Strikes and considering your rage while your new mindless followers await your next order.

You’ll want to tell them to rebel, to go off and change their own lives so you can do some good with your power. But you’ve realized words won’t work too well for you today, and that there are better ways to echo through history.

After this realization you’ll wander a little more, stopping briefly to rob a Dairy Queen and supply your followers with ice cream. You’ll all leave smiling and the employees of the DQ, except for the gagged and bound general manager, will join your merry band.

You’ll barely be halfway through your blizzard before you find the perfect opportunity for your lesson: a television news broadcast crew.

A male anchor will be standing there in front of a school, talking about how kids are killing other kids at other schools. He’ll have perfect teeth and hair, a fake tan, and a super expensive suit that still somehow looks cheap.

A camerawoman with a huge harness on will be filming him, surrounded by PAs and ACs all of whom will look tired as fuck of his shit. They’ll look like they’re waiting to be called to arms for rebellion.

So when you walk right up and punch the anchor in the face, which the camera gets awesome footage of, by the way, they’ll immediately feel bound to you. They’ve all wanted to do that for years, they just haven’t had the courage.

They’ll all gather round the anchor with you and kick him while he’s down. He’ll die later from his injuries, but if it makes you feel any better he barely gave any money to charity and he once had sex with a twelve year old Thai girl at a coke party.

And once you start pushing against the van they won’t need a single verbal command to know to join you and shove as hard as they can. And when that van flips over and shears off its own broadcast tower you’ll know that the first shot of the revolution has sounded.

Another news crew will pull up across the way to get some footage, but once you and your boys turn your attention towards them they’ll speed off so fast you could swear they’d been driving the Delorian.

Get used to the power. The next few months are going to pretty fucking wild for you.

Congratulations on Flipping the Van!