Congratulations on Not Really Impressing Anyone With Your Screenplay!

You’ve been working on this screenplay for months and months. It’s about a subject near and dear to your heart: being a guy who likes sports and doesn’t understand girls with a moderately well paying job with a boss you don’t really like. It’s about learning that girls are sometimes worth sacrificing things you usually like, like sports, so that you can spend time with them.

It’s also about how sometimes jobs aren’t great but dude-friends are always around to make them less bad. And how sometimes dude friends don’t like hot chicks so you have to fuck slightly less hot chicks in order to prevent conflicts with dude friends.

All in all it’s a childish, banal film that could easily feature Mathew McConaughey into the lead role and grossly slightly more than it took to make, assuming it opens on a weekend where nothing else is playing. But in this economy that’s just not good enough. It has to have the word hangover in it or go fuck itself.

So today when you pitch your script to a room full of people with IQs below 80 they’ll mostly respond by yawning and scratching themselves. One man will literally wipe the crack of his ass with the copy his assistant provided him. Then the room full of suits will inform you that you’re a hack and while they’re normally cool with this these economic times demand greater skill.

“Sorry,” they’ll say, eying the clock and edging towards the door even as they complete their sentence. “We just really don’t think being mediocre can still work for Hollywood in this economy. We hope you understand.”

You’ll nod at them, then get up to leave. As you try to walk out the door you’ll grab a pitcher of water and try to throw it all over all of them, but it turns out it’ll be empty. Just like everything else in Hollywood, including your screenplay, it’ll be phony. Just like Holden Caufield always said.

Congratulations on Not Really Impressing Anyone With Your Screenplay!