Congratulations Marketing Genius!

You’re a marketing genius. You’ve literally sold asbestos to people it was killing, car insurance to people without cars and even, on occasion, shake weights. But there’s one thing you’ve always had trouble selling: yourself.

Your philosophy is this: if people want to date you, they should want to date you, the person, and not you, the product. So by trying to sell yourself the way you’d sell, say, a mother’s love bottled and shipped you’d be doing both yourself and your partner a disservice.

It’s a great ideology, honest and elegant and beautiful, but there’s one problem: it’s killing your love life. See, you’re a marketing genius. Which means that your nature is such that people only want to spend around fifteen minutes at a time with you, if even that much. You’re kind of an asshole, you’ve got no morals and you’ve contributed around fuckall to society in your overlong and overloud life. You sleep with your mouth open and you make loud grunting sounds during sex. One time you spit in a girl’s open mouth just to see how she’d respond during it.

But despite all this you don’t have the aggression that would make you attractive to women. You’re kind of timid and given to going with the flow wherever possible, because conflict is tough to market and tougher to market through. You can ignore it when you have to, but when it’s possible you avoid it at all costs. This means that women rightly perceive you as a limp wristed shell of a man.

So today you’re going to abandon your policy of trying to be honest with the women you date. Four years is long enough to be alone and realize you’re a terrible person with terrible thoughts and a terrible body who no one will ever love honestly. Now it’s time to polish the turd that is your personality to a fine sheen so that people will not only think you’re worth sleeping with, but think that it’s worth their while to stick around after sleeping with you.

Step one will be the construction of several billboards of you shrugging affably with the words “Why not?” printed upon them in various locations. You’ll be handsomely dressed and smiling, as if to say nothing happening here officer, but if you want to party I think we can make that happen.

Step two will be a set of print ads where you’re wrestling a tiger. They’ll supposedly be aimed at growing your advertising business, but their real purpose will be to subliminally associate your image with the image of a tiger for most women in the greater metro area. You’ll actually be taking a loss on the ads in your real business.

Step three will be constructing a thoroughly charming online dating profile on three to five dating websites, however many the writers you hire can afford to write you in the time allotted. The profiles will be filled with no so subtle lies about who you are and what you do that are designed to entice unsuspecting women and convince them that you’re actually worth the time of day.

Step four: sit back and watch that pussy flow in.

Congratulations Marketing Genius!