You’re a star on a reality TV show that makes dictators and B list celebrities live in houses together and solve occasional challenges before one of you is voted to stand trial before the Hague for your crimes against humanity. So far every single contestant who has been tried has been found guilty and summarily executed. The winner receives a full pardon for being a total fucking waste of humanity.
We don’t want to ruin any surprises by telling you which dictator and/or celebrity you are, because you’re going to be the last one left standing. But we do want to let you know some of the events that you’re going to have to deal with.
When Muammar Gaddafi chokes Pam Anderson to death in the hot tub, for example. That could do some damage to you if you’d entered into any kind of allegiance with him. We’d recommend steering clear of that asshole, he won’t be able to survive murdering the sluttiest house-member. And Pam Anderson, for that matter. Hepatitis, you know? And Hosni Mubarik is totally going to get into an argument with Gary Busey about Hot Pockets and that’s going to make for an awkward vote the next week. And Sarah Palin and Bashar Al-Asad are definitely going to butt heads (who didn’t see that coming?) so you’ll want to choose sides early with the two of them. Palin is more charismatic, but Al-Asad is a lot more trustworthy and less ruthless.
Of course, you could always throw everyone off and just ally yourself with Howie Mandel, who is a total fucking asshole that no one will want to remove simply by merit of being totally inoffensive. Or play it safe and align yourself with Manny Mo, who you’d have to be a total prick not to like just for being him. You could double down and get with Verne Troyer too.
The key thing will be to enjoy yourself in that house, to learn the lessons offered to you and to stop raping for at least three months, because while you might love doing it it will probably invalidate all our predictions and keep you from being able to win.
Just some friendly advice.
Congratulations Reality TV Show Star!
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