Congratulations Summer Lovers!

You’re a tween boy and you just arrived at summer camp.

Which is a wonderful time to be a boy by the way. You get to spend time out of doors, frolicking about. You get to smoke weed with older kids and, if you’re really lucky you fall in love for the first time.

You fall in love with a pretty girl in a monochrome t-shirt with a vaguely offensive Amerindian design on it which extols the naturalism of your surroundings. If you’re unlucky in love you fall for a girl with a special color of shirt on, a shirt that represents her authority over you. It’s normal to find authority attractive and, to be honest, we’d all be a bit more weirded out if you didn’t think a young woman with power over you was sexy. But she can’t touch you because of laws and she probably wouldn’t want to because you’re a kid with a tiny penis, terrible skin and no interesting stories to speak of.

But if you’re one of the lucky few you’ll fall in love with a girl. She’ll have medium length hair, unkept and washed less often than it should be. She’ll enjoy being outdoors and maybe, just maybe, she’ll like smoking weed too. Even if she doesn’t she’ll play sports with you. She’ll go on hikes with you (and dozens of other kids too, sure, but who gives a fuck?) and if you play your cards right you’ll get a kiss.

If you play them really right you’ll get a handful of teenage boob, which is okay (we’re grown-ups and we can’t lie to you – boob gets better with age and then it evens out around forty or after the first kid if you’re picky about nipples) but will make you feel really confident and turn you into a bit of an asshole for a week afterwards if you touch it.

If you’re one of the lucky few and end up with a girl who actually likes you and likes herself or who hates herself (it’s hard to tell at that age) you’ll get a handjob. It’ll be quick and furtive, an event which passes with embarrassing haste in your memory and staggering length in your mind, but it’ll rock your world to the core. You’ll be embarrassed about it afterwards, afraid to tell anyone. You’ll feel unmanned and intimidated by the prowess of the girl you want to call your girlfriend, but won’t have the balls to ask.

If you’re a liar you’ll claim you got a blowjob, but everyone knows only Harry Ressini got a blowjob this year at camp. He got it behind the bleachers at midnight from Shauna Templeton, who has braces and self-esteem issues. He’ll claim it was awesome but in reality it was more embarrassing than the handjob could ever be, and it’ll be kind of painful to boot. But Harry is an asshole, so no one really listens to him and while that story will earn him furtive acceptance in the end it’ll just alienate people from him more as they think about how full of shit he is and how much of a big deal he made of the fact that someone put his penis in their mouth.

Whatever happens, it’s summer and you’ll be in love, be it requited or otherwise.

So Congratulations Summer Lovers!