Congratulations on Putting the Bible to Good Use!

The bible is an interesting cultural document. Largely impractical, oft quoted, rarely read, it’s an allegory for our culture’s anti-intellectualism and our desire to live in our own cultural history while refusing to learn anything about it. If it wasn’t so boring we all would’ve read it, just to prove how cool we are and how important it is as a book. But instead we’re going to write this prediction about how you’re going to use a bible for something that totally makes sense for it in our current cultural climate.

Today you’ll be out on your street corner, looking for sinners to convert, when you’ll happen upon Cherry. Cherry, real name Melissa Adamson. You and Cherry see each other often, so this will be an old, practiced dance by the time it passes this morning.

“You’re doomed to burn in hell, sinner,” you’ll say to her, waving.

“Shove that book up your own ass,” she’ll wave back.

It’ll all be so genial that the two of you will all but laugh after the exchange. That is, until the truth of what she said dawns upon you. She’ll have simultaneously implied that you’re a vile sodomist (a word you made up because you didn’t think sodomite was a real word) and that your book, the book the set the course of your entire life to, is little better than poop in her eyes.

You’ll turn on your heel, stalking back up behind her silently as she struts down the street, eying the crowds for potential customers, and strike her at the base of the skull with your holiest of books.

It’ll be a large print, unabridged King James bible, published in the mid twentieth century in the American south, where the only bar to having some retarded fuckwit burn a book is to make it as heavy as possible. As such it’ll hit hard and daze her, setting her up for your follow-up blow.

You’ll flow upon her and continue striking her again and again, driving the book into the back of her skull shouting all the while.

“FUCK!”

Thwak.

“YOU!”

Crack.

“BITCH!”

A sickening wet sound, like rotten fruit hitting aluminum siding, will eventually greet your ears, and then you’ll look down and see that your Good Book is now covered in blood, that poor Cherry’s skull is little more than pulp and that the pavement around her, her clothes and yours and your hands and skin will be soaked through with blood.

Weeping, you’ll run home, hands shaking, mind racing with adrenaline and joy at what you’ve done.

Congratulations on Putting the Bible to Good Use!