Congratulations Odd Hydra Head Out!

You’re one of a hydra’s seven heads, which is kind of awkward. See, you’re around those dudes all the time, which means you know almost everything about them. Most hydra heads are pretty sociable, so it’s no big deal for them to be around one another day-in-day-out. But you’re kind of a loner, which means that all the other hydra heads interpret your desire to be alone as a kind of standoffish dickishness.

Really you’re not such a bad hydra head. You read when you get the chance (whenever the group of you kill a literate hero who happened to be carrying a book or three) and you follow politics as much as you can (you often shout political questions at heroes as they’re masticated by one of the other heads and interpret their screams as answers). But the other hydra heads would never know that.

So on a daily basis you’re pretty lonely, even though six other heads are around you all the time. They’ve taken to leaving you alone for the most part after around two long decades of trying to get you to engage in really short sack races and really lame trivia contests where you all share the same cortex. It’s better than it used to be, back when they wanted you to do shit and all. They gave you the opportunity to read even when they were in night clubs by buying you a nice little head lamp and they did their best to be quiet after two in the morning even when they had a really hot lady hydra hanging out with them at the time.

But you still haven’t been particularly happy living as part of a seven headed being. You feel like your whole life is a lie. So today when you and your “bros” as you ironically call them meet a hero you’re going to luck out.

“Oh shit!” you’ll shout as the hero cuts off one of the heads which happens to belong to one of your brothers.

“Howard Stern rules!” the severed head will shout as it writhes on the ground.

“Attack!” the assertive head will shout.

“Fuck you!” you’ll shout back, drawing your head back as far as possible from the fray.

What follows will be a blur of motion as some random hero murders each of your brothers in turn. He’ll move stride to stride, lopping off a head as each of your younger brothers makes an attempt on his life.

“Rangers rule!” one will scream as he lunges at the hero.

“I really think Behr Stern is a good investment!” another will scream as he writhes in agony, waiting for the end of his own life.

And after five minutes, a blur of steel and fire, and the death of all of your siblings, you’ll be hanging high above the scene of the battlefield shouting.

“What the fuck dude!”

“You guide a great treasure,” the hero will mutter. “I’m here to claim it.”

“Dude!” you’ll shout back at him. “We guard an urn filled with silk.”

The hero will look embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he’ll shout up at you.

“What the fuck!” you’ll shout back down at him, rumbling forward with your massive hydra body which will now be under your exclusive control.

“I thought you had treasure!” he’ll scream at the top of his lungs.

“DICK MOVE!” you’ll shout back down as you swipe at him with your big ass paws which you and you alone control now.

You’ll catch him with a well placed blow, knocking him into a wall and paralyzing him from the legs down. Rats will eat him over several days as your brother heads grow back, but you won’t care. You’ll have found several Greek epics to read in his pack. You’ll pour over each of them in the days to come, and when the other heads grow back you’ll have some great stories to tell them, even if they won’t listen because they’re obsessed with bullshit sports scores.

Congratulations Odd Hydra Head Out!