It’s hard to believe that just two days ago you were an heir to a fantastic fortune. But that time is over, thanks to your attempts to improve the world by investing in vaguely described tech businesses that might’ve done something positive if they weren’t actually just shell corporations designed by your parents to get their money back from you. It’s a bittersweet change but you’ve taken to it as best you can by owning your new life.
You’ve become something of a personality in the street world of Portland now, wandering about, swearing at people and somehow staying drunk most of the time without any visible source of income. Today you’re really going to become a big deal, though.
You’ll be hanging out underneath the Morrison Bridge with some other bums when a man in a white suit will approach you with a proposition.
“I’d like to film you while you fight,” he’ll declare to the handful of you who are sober enough to walk.
“Fuck yeah!” you’ll declare enthusiastically.
He’ll come up with names and back stories for each and every one of you. Louis, who used to work in IT until he got sick of it and started living on the street, will become Brian the Bandit, a bank robber who lives on the street in order to avoid being caught by the authorities. Shep, the boat salesman on the run for murdering his wife, will become Dave the Daring, an ex-stunt man who lost his family in an especially risky stunt and lost his mind. Only your back story will remain unchanged, but he will insist that your name be changed to Shopping Cart Carl, the Richest Hobo in the world.
You and your new buddies will take to fighting each other immediately. None of you really like one another, and the prospect of physical violence will be extremely appealing. You’ll beat the shit out of one another with great aplomb, with the white suited man clapping his hands and laughing as his camera crew films it all the while.
You’ll become instant internet celebrities with the release of the films on bumfights.org, a non-profit group which sort of donates to bum related charities to seem less evil but mostly just distributes their profits in the form of bonuses to executives. This will lead to an immediate sequel and the potential for you to get a home again. But don’t despair. During the filming of the sequel Shep will murder you by striking your skull with a brick until it cracks open and leaves your brains smeared across the street. The video will be one of the highest rated on the site and become a meme in a matter of weeks, and you’ll always be remembered as having one of the most epic hobo deaths in internet history.
Congratulations Shopping Cart Carl!
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