Congratulations on Finding Out What Joanna Newsom Sounds Like in Bed!

Seducing her will be hard work.

First you’ll have to get a suit from the 19th century. Depending on where you live this could be the hardest step. Getting it tailored will be pretty easy, if a bit expensive, but finding an authentic suit in New York or Los Angeles could be nigh impossible, and it will certainly be expensive. However, if you’re from Wyoming you’ll probably have a long dead relative who left you a suit from his passage to the great open plains so many years ago.

Second you’ll have to get tickets to a Joanna Newsom show. This should be easier, but it’ll still be expensive because she’s become oh-so very popular of late. If it’s a show with assigned seats be sure to get something up front so she can see your amazing suit.

See there’s a rule in Joanna Newsom’s contract (available as a matter of public record in the national Joanna Newsom archive located in Eugene, Oregon) which states that she must sleep with anyone at her show that she sees who is dressed in period accurate 19th century garb. So when she catches sight of you she’ll sigh and smile and get ready to grit her teeth and bear it for the sake of her paycheck.

So after she catches sight of her you’ll be taken to her dressing room, where a cot will already be laid out for the two of you. She’ll strip unceremoniously and lay on her back, naked and silent, waiting for you to enter her.

At this point you’ve got some additional agency. But we’ve got a few recommendations.

First, oral. Thoroughly performed oral. Joanna Newsom is a beautiful, talented woman who has never had to masturbate a day in her life, so she needs someone to show her how her body works each time it kickstarts into the rah rah rah of sex. If you leave her to her own devices she’ll just be on her back starting at the ceiling wishing you were already done. She’ll be silent and you’ll fail today’s Congratulations. But a little bit of oral and digital manipulation and she should be half-way to o-town before you slip inside her and lift her on your hips and start your work.

By the way, that’s recommendation two. It’s not specific to Joanna Newsom, most people just like that. Trust at least half of us.

Step three: pay attention to her and yourself and don’t come too soon. If you fail to make Joanna Newsom cry out during sex a roadie outside will kill you with a knife as you try to leave her chambers. She’ll be left on her cot with a tear in her eye and no song in her heart.

But play your cards right and you’ll survive. You’ll know her true voice, not her wildly pitching tones of madness that make her music. And you’ll leave her smiling and find yourself in a whimsical song about a paving company run by bears who are married to otters who have problems, but they still make it work.

Congratulations on Finding Out What Joanna Newsom Sounds Like in Bed!